“American Cult”

“Boring.

I’m just going to lay it out there: I think cults are a thing that, for the most part, young, hot babes have to worry about. Ain’t nobody recruiting me to a cult. I’m old, I’m not good looking, I’m sterile. I provide nothing that a cult is looking for.

If you’re a young, hot babe, you provide everything a cult is looking for: young, hot babes.

This is just one of those dangers that I am crossing off my list. Like alligators. I live in Colorado. No alligators just hanging out. I’m not going to worry about them.

I may have been cult fodder 20 years ago, but by now the only way I’m getting involved in a cult is if I make one. Which I can’t because although I’m not disinterested in young, hot babes, I just don’t have the energy to run an entire cult for the sake of getting young, hot babes interested in me.

Unless young, hot babes are like, “You’re pretty good at sweeping out the garage,” I think I’m past my prime.

I guess this book also does a weird thing where it’s not trying to be disrespectful of cults and people who join them. I get it, they’re probably super attractive to vulnerable people. But a cold retelling of a group of people with SUPER wacky beliefs, like their leaders having traveled through space and shit, is just redonk.”