As many of you know, I’ve made it a life goal to read all 700 issues of Amazing-Spider Man. For those of you who didn’t already know and just destroyed your underpants with vaginal secretions due to an involuntary physical reaction to that statement, I understand. Go ahead and change and then come back to read the rest, a short post where I highlight some of my favorite panels from recent readings.
$5K for catching a dude? Is this a thing? And if so, what happened to it? There’s a definite dark side. I’d hate to have this be reality mostly because I’d end up calling in sick to work in hopes of capturing that big payoff for simply arresting a ruthless and brutal criminal using my no skills and no abilities and no plans. So the more I think about it, the more I think what happened is that someone decided that people like me are too stupid and this whole reward thing was only going to result in me needing a rescue. ALTHOUGH it’s a good ploy to try and bust a criminal and add a shitload of other assault charges.
‘Since DUSTIN HOFFMAN doesn’t know my number”? Was Dustin Hoffman hot? I guess he had a certain boyish charm, sort of like Scott Baio before Scott Baio, when Charles was merely Working His Way Up The Ladder With Aspirations of Being In Charge. OR, perhaps this is one of the more brilliant ploys in the history of flirtation.
Dig this.
If I was dating someone and they called, said “Guess Who” and I said, “Well, since Gianna Michaels, who can fuck LIKE A MACHINE, doesn’t have my number, it must be my *yawn* girlfriend”, if all that happened I don’t think I’d win a lot of points. Or if I called a girl I was seeing and she said, “Well, since Brad Pitt doesn’t have my number, I guess this must be Peter” I would probably shudder, both because of my disdain for the joke and because I’d be thinking about how I was going to have to watch her in a community production of Our Town at the end of the month.
BUT, if she said, “Well, since John Goodman doesn’t have my number, this must be Peter” I would sigh and think what a lucky fella I was to have a swell gal that is both funny and possibly has low standards that reassure me WHILE I laugh (note: not that I consider John Goodman unattractive. He’s just not traditionally sexy, which is because we don’t respect the 3 C’s of John Goodman: Comfort, Curly Hair, and Chicago Dogs).
Additionally, if she picked someone really weird, someone not all that attractive, it would be a self-esteem boost. Because she’s not waiting for Brad Pitt to call, merely a humble Skeet Ulrich.
I guess I don’t have the cultural context to know how ironic Gwen Stacy is being here, so I’ll have to speculate that she’s either appropriate to the time or a brilliant girlfriend.
Amongst other powers, the Lizard can forget about his entire family at over 100X the speed of a normal, human man.
I don’t know what you do to get the nickname “Big C” but it can’t be good. There was a guy on Sopranos called Big Pussy, and while that’s not one of my favorite terms for a woman’s sensual garden zone, it’s a bit better than “cunt.” So to be “Big Cunt” as a mafia dude is a very bad sign moving forward.
Pantywaist. Now there’s a term I haven’t heard in a while.
I have to say, I thought the term was “pantywaist.” Which is pretty gross, I guess. Because I don’t know exactly which secretions count as panty waste, but it sounds like something that could transform normal everyday turtles into a teenage fighting force.
So what confuses me here is the meaning of “pantywaist.” Are we saying that the elastic is weak and girly? If so, couldn’t we go with the old standby of “hey you stupid weak girl”? Or, I don’t know, “Hey you poorly-fitted Costco bra”?
I don’t have a lot of experience with the waists of womens’ undergarments (see above entire post, all of web site, all podcasts, etc.) so I’m probably not the best person to solve this particular mystery either.
Girlfriend, if I had a nickel.
And just when I thought that last panel would perfectly sum up my sexual experiences, this comes along…
Okay, this is where shit’s a little out of hand. A city bus is stuck in the snow, Spider-Man swings down to lift the back end and get it unstuck. And what does he get for his trouble? The bus driver accusing him of stealing the bus!
Now, I know that Spider-Man always has a contentious relationship with New York. It’s never perfect. But this?
I mean, what an asshole. First of all, what the fuck is Spider-Man going to do with a bus? He’s starting his own, rival public transportation outfit? In order to screw the city? Or maybe he’s going to hold the bus hostage until he gets more money to buy a…well, something that he would own?
It’s almost like the residents of New York felt like they earned cred back in the day by making ever-escalating ridiculous claims regarding how Spider-Man was collapsing society.
“Speaking with the police? He must be brainwashing them!”
“Eating a hot dog? Wasn’t there a hot dog cart parked only several blocks away from that bank heist 18 years ago?”
Give me a break.
The really baffling question here: Can anyone describe to me the difference between a sword and a “sword-like rod”? Because from where I’m sitting, it seems that a sword is a rod until it’s a sword. If it’s a rod that holds up your shower curtain and isn’t so sharp that your shower curtain is always falling down, that’s probably a rod. If it’s sharp, somewhat rod-shaped, and used for cutting, stabbing, slashing, or anything like that, it’s probably a sword. That’s it. Is there a gradation I’m not aware of?
Alright, thanks for reading. I’m up to almost issue #100, so we’ll just see what kind of boners Big C gets caught up in and can’t escape with the use of his sword-like rod.