Every comic I read with the Kingpin in it makes absolutely sure to remind me that the Kingpin is not a big fat bastard. He is, in fact, SO muscular that he just appears to be a tubby bitch.
I guess it must be true in the world of the comics. Daredevil has claimed it, and Spider-Man has corroborated the fact, which is significant because, well, Daredevil can’t see shit, so I wouldn’t put him as my number one when it comes to picking a fatty out of a lineup.
But look at him! In what way does he not look like a big fat bastard? Since when has there been such a thing as a neck roll of muscle? And a double chin, also of muscle?
The other thing is that, because he’s not actually a fatty, Spider-Man and friends get to constantly make fun of him for being a fatty. In one issue alone, I got Tubby, Fatty, and my personal favorite, Chubbins. I feel like we’re being cheated here a little bit, like Marvel comics knows that by making him not fat, it is therefore okay for the jolly Spider-Man to call him fat without coming off as a bastard who is picking on the fat kid. They get to have their (multiple, multiple, frosting-layered) cakes and eat them too (naked on a bed while watching Oz DVDs).
Me? I’m not buying it.
Let’s compare. Of these three, which two look most alike?
Now maybe the Kingpin exists in a world of comic book characters that have freakish powers and also freakish manifestations of said powers. The Thing is really strong, but his curse is that he looks like a rock man. The Human Torch has amazing powers, but his curse is constantly burning club skanks alive in the middle of the night. Mr. Fantastic is a stretchy guy whose intelligence makes it impossible to not come off as a dick. Sue Storm has invincibility and forcefield powers, but she’s a woman. The world of Marvel comics is filled with these give/take propositions where you usually have to give up something to get something. Perhaps the Kingpin, in one of these unspoken deals, has given up fitting into a reasonable pair of pants as a downside to his super strength.
Speaking of said pants, I would, like to offer the Kingpin some of my patented fashion advice, being the helpful(snowman.com) guy that I am.
1: Bald is not slimming
When you’re bald, your head looks smaller. Having a smaller head makes your body look bigger. This is the opposite side of the effect you see on models who look like they have huge heads because their bodies are so tiny. My advice is to pump up that pumpkin, either with hair, horribly poisonous injections, or a nice hat.
2: Double-breasted suits are a no-no for large men
In fact, they’re pretty much a no-no for everyone except for Confederate generals and racist chicken magnates. In setting up two lines of buttons, you’re setting up a large negative space right in the center of your gut. The eye is drawn here, and it makes the lines of the clothing seem much thicker.
3: Black is slimming. So guess what white is?
Maybe throw out the motorcycle cover you’ve been wearing as a coat, trade it in for something a little more fitting of a man of your stature, both physically and in terms of respect owed to you.
4: Don’t forget about the legs
You’re clearly a fit man, and this is a problem for many men. Spend the last fifteen minutes that you would normally spend on your arms on doing some leg raises, abductors, calf raises, and even some squats. You’re a crime lord, not a female magician who does topless shows in Vegas, by which I mean the top-heavy body with skinny legs ain’t working in your favor.
5: Purple Pants
I don’t even know what to say about this. In terms of fashion, every man needs to ask himself, Can I pull off purple? You don’t wear it ironically, which I appreciate. Nothing worse than an asshole in a pink shirt who is not pulling it off because you can tell he’s constantly thinking about the fact that he’s wearing a pink shirt. That said, you can offset your freakish body by dressing normally.
6: Lose the cravat
I feel like you’re using your entire look to puff everything out, therefore disguising your body lines. But it looks like your suit has a built-in airbag that inflates to keep you away from day-old baked goods. Just because you aren’t slim doesn’t mean you can’t wear items that are slimmING.
Looking good…