“Wow.
Here we have a story about Agent Cold Beer. Not a secret agent name. This dude is named Cold Beer. Hi, my name is Beer comma Cold.
And he is, as the title says, On Assignment.
Normally I don’t like to do plot summaries as a review. It kind of ruins the experience, and it’s not really a review, review. But in this case, the story is only 6 pages long, and I really feel like the plot speaks for itself. So if you think you might want to read Agent Cold Beer On Assignment, skip the rest of this and go get you some.
~
As a “secreted” agent, Beer is tasked with taking down Jack Knife Joe, an evil…some kind of guy who knocks over liquor stores that don’t exclusively stock his brand of beer. Oh, and he owns and operates a bar where he holds a monthly beer drinking contest, the winner of which receives $1,000 and free drinks for a month. Jack Knife Joe, in what can only be described as a Ponzi scheme that’s either VERY complicated or MASSIVELY stupid, always wins his own contest, pays himself $1,000, and drinks for free for a month.
Cold Beer is tasked with getting close enough to Jack Knife Joe to bring him down, and the way to do that is clearly through winning the beer drinking contest.
But before the assignment begins, we stop by Shorty’s lab.
Shorty is the Q of the Agent Cold Beer universe, the Beerniverse, if you will. And he hands over some very important gadgets:
Beer Can Grenades (6)
Knife That Shoots Bullets (1)
Recording Cigar (1) [note: apparently a cigar that, when lit, records audio]
Bulletproof Jean Jacket (4. One white, one blue, one brown, one black)
Beer then uses exactly none of these devices to win the drinking contest. Which is the big build-up scene that lasts for all of two sentences. And not only does he win the contest, but he picks up a lady who he bangs in the back of his pickup truck about ten feet from his burning trailer home (which was destroyed in an explosion after some thugs, looking for Cold Beer, decided to wait and ambush him in his home. They helped themselves to a beer, which just so happened to be a beer grenade!).
Then, Beer and Jack Knife Joe sign a contract that says Beer and Joe will have a knife fight, and the winner will get the bar forever.
They square off, and then Beer shoots Joe with the knife that shoots bullets. He wins the bar, and he changes the name to Beer Rock And Roll Place.
In the end, Beer reports back to his supervisor, who gives him another assignment.
Beer: What’s my new assignment?
Boss: I’m going out of town for a week. Your assignment is to babysit my nine kids.
End!
?
I don’t know what to say other than there’s nothing about this I didn’t like. It’s exactly what I want out of a lark Kindle purchase: fast, short, and stupid.”