“Iâve long been a fan of Portland, and made it no secret that Iâd very much like to live there.
The first time I went there, maybe 2006(?), the city felt, to me, like the city in this book. Really weird, really great, and somewhere you could just sort of stumble into this weirdness.
I think it still feels like that. Somewhat. I donât live there, but Iâve been 4 or 5 times since, and every time I go, I find a different reason to love it.
Also, this book is by Hawthorne, and I have to say, EVERY title Iâve read from Hawthorne, Iâve liked quite a bit. This is a publisher thatâs doing what I would love other publishers to do, which is being distinctive and choosy in what they publish, and therefore I can just look through what theyâve got and make my picks from their catalog. I donât know many other publishers where I can say that. Itâs not like Random House can do that for me, or even Anchor Books anymore. I quite liked Dennis Cooperâs Little House On The Bowery. But Hawthorne is the only one, for me, where I could honestly say, âIf you want to buy me a book, buy me one I havenât read from Hawthorne, and chances are itâll be pretty damn good.â
This particular book has a very early-2000âs thing going, and itâs good, but it made me wish Iâd read it in 2007. I would have fucking loved this book so hard in 2007.
Anyway, Portland.
Iâm planning a move. Sorry, Portland. I know youâre sick of people moving there and making the rent high and stuff. If it makes you feel better, I donât have a lot of money, but I do work. And Colorado is kind of the OG state that people have been fleeing to since the early 90âs. Back then, half the people you met were from California. Now you get people from all the fuck over. And itâs awesome, but thereâs also a lot of hassle. I get that.
Here in Colorado, thereâs this bumper sticker people put on their cars. Trucks, I should say. It has the background from Colorado license plates, those green mountains, and it has the word NATIVE emblazoned across it.
Thereâs the obvious joke there. Most of the people who have that sticker look a little pale to be original native inhabitants of the area.
But whatâs really stupid about it, to me, is that people are so proud of something they had nothing to do with. Your parents fucked in Colorado and never left. Wow. Definitely worth buying a sticker for. In fact, maybe we should all get stickers that say where our parents fucked. All the places. If your parents fucked and vacationed a lot, youâre going to need one of those RV maps of the US with the outlines of different states. And just set up a system where your parents can text you the name of a state, and you buy the stickers. No further questions needed.
I guess I always thought it meant more for someone to pick a place to live. To make a choice. To check some places out and say, âThis. This feels right to me.â
Thatâs what I did.
The good news is that leaves open a NATIVE spot. Iâll be taking applications for my replacement. Just know that if you moved here because weed is legal, your application will be rejected. Also if you show up in a Broncos jersey. And if most of your daily clothing choices are Hiking Casual, you need not apply, thanks.
I think Iâve already talked quite a bit about what I like about Portland. But should I share what I donât like about Colorado?
Transportation is fucked.
Seriously. Thereâs basically 1 interstate the entire state uses, and itâs jammed every day. 1 accident fucks up the whole thing. And there are no alternatives. Itâs not super bike-friendly, although itâs improving, and the buses suck, and the trains are almost non-existent. You cannot get by here without a car. Itâs just not possible, and I donât like that.
2. Itâs Pretty Expensive.
People have asked about the plans for my move. Thereâs this really nifty map (http://taxfoundation.org/blog/real-value-100-metropolitan-areas) that tells you how far $100 bucks goes in different spots. You can even break it down by metropolitan area, and in simple terms, a hundred bucks is worth about $102 in the place where I live, $99 in Portland. $3 out of every $100. That seems well worth it to make the switch, especially considering that Iâd be moving form a suburban area to a city. If youâre curious, North Dakota, Nebraska, Missouri and Mississippi (all non-metropolitan) seem to be the spots where a buck goes the furthest. I have no strong desire for those spots.
3. The fucking sun.
Iâm over the sun. I donât get it. I donât get the big appeal. Itâs nice, but itâs not nice EVERY FUCKING DAY. Youâd think that, when the sunâs gone for a day here, people were like reverse vampires who need the sun to live. Denver has like 30-40 overcast days per year. Itâs sunnier than Florida. And by the way, weâre a mile closer to the sun, which you would think makes no difference, but itâs a HUGE difference. The sun sucks. Screw the sun. You get burned bad here, the sun makes it impossible to know what the fuck temperature it is outside, and when the sun is gone for like half a day, the amount of bitching is unbearable. In short: Where is my Mr. Burns and why hasnât he blocked out the sun yet?
4. People like guns too much here.
I know itâs worse elsewhere. But Iâm done with this guns nonsense. Colorado isnât a super population-dense state, and yet weâre home to Columbine, the Aurora Theater Shooting, and recently the Planned Parenthood shooting. And still, people love telling you about how important guns and the 2nd amendment are. Fuck off.
5. Powellâs Rules, Tattered Cover Drools
I loved you, TC, but nothing compares. And that LoDo store feels like itâs shrinking WHILE Iâm inside it, like itâs that hallway from Willy Wonka.
6. Rural cops and city cops are jerks in totally different ways, and we get to experience both at their worst.
7. I donât ski. I used to. But that shitâs for rich people. Damn, a 1-day lift ticket in Vail is $130 bucks. Then I rent skis and boots for $50. Then I spend about 5 hours on the road, minimum, if thereâs no traffic. And thereâs always traffic. Then you pay to park. Then you eat a gas station sandwich that costs three times what it should. I mean, thatâs like a $250 day right there, per person, and you spent 5 hours in traffic for the privilege. You could fly to another city and spend the night for that hassle.
8. Boulder isnât cool. Iâm sorry, itâs not. Iâve never seen such a naked display of attention-seeking as I have walking down Pearl Street in Boulder. Iâve never seen such a stark example of rich kids trying to look cool. Itâs gross. If youâve ever wanted to see the corpse of the dream of the hippie movement, Boulder, Colorado is where people go to piss on the ashes and drape them in a Bob Marley fabric poster.
9. Seriously, with the lifted trucks that roll coal and have nothing in the bed.
10. My parents fucked here minimum once, maximum infinity times. I, for one, choose to distance myself from that as opposed to marking the occasion(s) with a sticker.”