Wine is kinda bullshit.
For example, even if you don’t like wine and try to provide some for a party, it’s pretty much impossible. You go to the liquor store and there are about, oh, 40,000 different bottles of wine to choose from. I’ll admit there are an awful lot of beers as well, but here’s the difference: I will drink any beer on the market. I’ve had some bizarre expensive Japanese beer, and I’ve been drunk from King Cobra. If someone is kind enough to provide the liquids that make me forget my life for precious moments, I’m not going to bash on them.
Wine, on the other hand, is all over the goddamn place. And people have no qualms not drinking a shitty wine.
Can we get a couple wines that are just universally accepted? It might not be the best, but if you bring Budweiser to a party, it’ll disappear. So what’s the Budweiser of wine?
Then, you have to open the fucking bottle, a process so ridiculous it takes more skill than peeing a perfect replica of the Mona Lisa into the snow. And why would you make something that’s hard to open, but it’s also a staining red liquid in a glass bottle? How the fuck are you supposed to muscle that?
Finally, you get the cork out and pick out the pieces of cork that broke off and pour someone a glass. What do they say every fucking time? “Oh, that’s a big glass!” No matter how little you give someone, there’s this little game that goes on where they have to pretend you’re insane for pouring a glass of wine that fills up over half the glass. And god forbid you drink out of a wine bottle. That would be insane. Somehow we can drink beer from a metallic can, which has a lot more effect on flavor than glass bottles, but if you suggest someone drink from a wine bottle, you are just an asshole.
And let me tell you something, you winos. I don’t know much about wine, but I do know two things. One, sniffing the cork is for losers. You don’t sniff the wrapper of anything, ever. You wouldn’t smell the cap from a beer, you wouldn’t open a happy meal and stick the wrapper under your nose, and you don’t need to do that with wine. The flavor information is in the taste. That’s why you drink it instead of snorting it. Second, don’t let anyone see you swirling the shit around. That doesn’t do anything except showing you whether or not the wine sticks to the side of the glass, which tells you about the alcohol content. But it’s wine, so trust me, you’ll be just fine.
These wine bottles, while we’re talking wine, have the shittiest labels of all time. It’s always some fucking chateau in sepia tone with a cursive name over the top. Wow. Very impressive. You know what has great logos? Whiskey. You know how you can tell that? How many companies have ripped off the Jack Daniel’s logo, and how instantly recognizable is it? Boom.
I’m not saying put a stop to the wine, I’m just saying there’s a time and place, the time being the Shakespeare days and the place being in a mausoleum where you lead a guy down to bury him alive in a crypt room.