Tell us why you’re interested in this position.
This is still for money, right? Nah, just kidding. This position is interesting to me because I’m interested in any position that works as an alternative to my current position, which is the 69 position down at Golden Gate park any time between 2 and 8 AM.
Tell Us About a Time You Broke a Rule to Achieve a Goal
I’ve broken tons of rules to achieve goals. You might know them as commandments. I can’t remember all of them, sort of like the Green River killer probably didn’t remember the face of every victim, but there’s one about your parents…something about not fucking your father. I don’t think I ever broke the stealing one, though.
Let’s say you were subbing at a library without access to online resources and with no reference sources. What 5 books would you bring with you that you think would best serve any reference needs that came up?
Wow. Uh, the first one would be Internet for Dummies, which I would leave on the manager’s desk. No internet? People in bumfuck places need internet most of all. I bet Alaska is all over the internet like whale blubber on Eskimo lips. Let’s see, second book would have to be The New York Public Library Desk Reference. That’s got a lot of information in it, and you could swing it with enough momentum to knock down anyone asking a question and make a getaway. That’s all I would need. Yes, he’s that good.
What would you say is your greatest weakness as an employee?
I have no sense of right and wrong. Or maybe just a bad sense. Does it normally tingle when you do something wrong, like Spider-Man’s Spidey sense? I don’t have that. In fact, usually more tingling when I do something wrong. Review that question about commandments for more information.
Give an example of a time you had to persuade others to act. Were you effective, and if so, how?
I persuaded our dog to shit in the bath tub while I’m out for the day. He didn’t want to, but I beat him every day until I heard something snap or until my hand was goddamn raw. Every time I look in his little eyes I taste his blood. I would say that it was effective as my tub is slowly filling up with a mound of shit, but ineffective in that I haven’t figured out how to hit him so that he scoops the shit out and takes it outside. What you might call a mixed bag.
Talk about a time in which you had to handle a difficult person. What did you do and what would you do differently?
There was a time at my last job when I had to deal with a very difficult person. He was very upset, started shouting, and really let me have it. I did my best to help him out, but from time to time I think you’re going to encounter someone who is just having a bad day and is ready to take it out on you. I dealt with it later that night, crying my goddamn eyes out and punching the pillow. If I had to do it again, I would probably stop him sooner and say I was getting the manager. Once I said that I would walk behind the guy and then pistol whip the shit out of him, hold the gun to his face and ask him if he thought hell was full yet.
Last question. Talk about a time in which you had to build enthusiasm in others.
I was a male cheerleader in college. A lot of people say that’s gay or something, but it’s actually more dangerous than playing football, plus, I learned so much about myself and my confidence with others. It taught me a lot about…okay, you got me. I can’t finish this lie.