Thanks for coming in, and thanks for observing the ridiculously long distance you have to stay from the bar before you can order. I know that makes it impossible to see what’s available before you get up here, but, heh, anyway, let me first tell you about our specials. Our specials are offers for things you don’t want offered at prices that you’d need an advanced degree in mathematics to understand. Also, you need some special gizmo, some kind of electric beer bong, to drink these beers. Are you interested?
No, okay. What would you like today?
Yeah, I know. It’s tough. I put all the drinks about 40 feet back and the writing on them is 8 point font, and they’re in identical cans. I do have these beers I put in jars, and if you’re a brewer you can probably recognize different beers on sight.
I do get a little annoyed when you don’t know exactly what you want. It’s not like my entire job is to give people beers and I’m here all day anyway, so really an extra 30 seconds doesn’t bother me. Normally someone might say something like, “Here’s a menu, I’ll help someone else while you decide.” But that’s not possible here. What if you dove over the counter and grabbed all the liquor and ran away? Sure, we have a security guard and cameras and a door that buzzes you in. But still. This place is in a rundown strip mall. Be reasonable.
Okay, maybe we should start with how you want to feel. Are you looking for like a sleepy drunk or more of an energetic thing?
Energetic? Okay, cool. We don’t have any of that right now. I couldn’t honestly tell you if that’s because it’s extremely popular and that’s why we ran out or if it’s because you are making all the wrong choices and we never have that stuff.
Sorry, I caught myself playing with a piercing there for a second. The uniform here is you have to have 3, but you get to choose where, so it’s pretty cool.
Okay, a shot of that? Perfect. These are really cool, these edible boozes. Now, just a heads-up, you’d think this would all be pretty regulated, but the truth is, sometimes a shot of this is like 70 proof, sometimes it’s like 180. It’s pretty much impossible to know until you’re way too drunk. I’d advise you have one bite, then wait about 17 hours. If you want to be high for something, like a concert, you’re going to need to take the day before off form work to dial in your drunkenness level.
We’ve got a couple disgusting flavors. Guava. That tastes like booze. Then there’s a mango. That also tastes like booze. Mostly these taste like…imagine you at a gelatinous piece of booze and then an old man took a huge bite of banana and breathed it in your face.
Are you part of our rewards club? Yeah, we only take cash, but we somehow have a rewards club you can be a part of. The rewards are emails and texts about sales.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can’t eat that here. Don’t even think about it. We’ll put it in a paper bag and staple it closed and you can take it home.
The only place you’re allowed to eat or drink this stuff is at home. Also, concerts seem to be a total free-for-all. They have machines that pump out little droplets of liquid and alcohol smell so nobody can tell for sure who’s drinking in the audience.
Oh, and there’s a giant tip jar. That’s for tips. Money tips. One advantage of booze being legal now is that instead of just charging what we need to get to pay everyone involved, we can do tips. Now, it’s a little weird, right? Because these are really expensive items, but all I did was hand you a sealed bag with edible booze, something that you do by yourself at the store when you buy beef jerky. It’s not like I even took something from a large vessel and poured it into a smaller one, and I sure as hell didn’t mix more than one thing together with a precise hand. I’m not even dressed as nicely as you are, and you’re in sweats. Should you tip 20%, you’re wondering. Did someone who works here seed the jar with that $20, you’re thinking. Because nobody would tip me $20 to do this.
Hey, remember when we legalized booze and for years everyone was saying how great it would be because they could make really good rope and shit out of booze? Where’s all that great rope? Huh. Turns out we don’t really use a lot of rope on a day-to-day basis, I guess.