Okay, um, Elizabeth Warren was in the middle of calling someone racist for something. I’m not sure what it was or who, so I kinda had to wait that part out because I couldn’t figure out what was going on.
Then this lady was asking a bunch of questions, and basically every question someone said, “Everything you just said isn’t true.” Then they said stuff, and so somebody was really wrong about a lot of things, but it wasn’t clear to me whether it was the person asking the questions or all the people answering them. It’s not possible that neither were lying, but I can’t figure out who the bad guy is here.
When someone was talking people would raise their hands like they also wanted to answer the question. It was like the opposite of school where you’d see some egghead raise his hand and be like, “Oh, thank Christ” because now you didn’t have to answer.
They asked Bernie a question about his medical records. Because I guess people care if he had a UTI in college or something.
Pete Bootyjudge was like, “I’ll release my health records, and they’re good.” Which I was like, “Aren’t you like 24? I should hope your health records are better than an old man.” Next time I apply for a job, I’m going to tell them to compare my health to the other applicants. That seems like good practice. And totally legal.
Then some other lady was like, “I think my blood pressure is lower than Pete Bootyjudge’s.” I had never seen this woman before in my entire life. I still don’t know who she is. But she’s maybe got lower blood pressure than a guy with a funny name, so I guess that’s something.
They should just have a deadlift competition and settle this like grown-ups.
Then they asked the lady I don’t know a question about if people of color could trust her because she put a black guy in jail, and then she said she put the black guy in jail because he shot a little black girl while she was at her kitchen table doing homework, and I was like, “Whoa, good thing I don’t know or care who this lady is because otherwise I’d have to find out what the fuck is going on here.”
Bloomberg said he’s got a shitload of money. I wasn’t totally sure why he was saying that, something about taxes, but first I thought this was a bad idea, but then I thought the last guy won because he said shit like that, so maybe I’m wrong and this is brilliant.
Then my treadmill was done, which was awesome because I didn’t have to watch anymore.
They should just have the candidates be a secret, and they all move to Cheyenne Mountain and type out answers to stuff from a black box. No internet in or out other than this direct line of communication for the entire campaign. That way we could just pick from whoever had the least unabomber-y manifesto by the end of the year.
Also, they should get punished if they don’t do what they say they’re gonna do. When I tell my boss I’m going to do a thing, and then I don’t do it, he tells me to do it. And if I do that enough I’ll get fired. Probably.
Do you think the President has to be at the desk promptly at 9 am? Or is it more of a flexible thing?
These are the questions people want to know.