Pete: Wow, I can’t believe I’m really here, in a bar with Elizabeth Warren!
Elizabeth Warren: It’s an exciting time for all of us, Pete. Pick your poison.
Pete: Oh, uh. I’m trying not to drink too terribly much these days. Maybe if they have like a nice light pilsener or something?
EW: Christ. Another one of these pussies. [turns to staff] I thought we were going to invite some MEN to these.
Pete: I mean, I can drink something else if you want. I don’t want to disappoint you or anything. Heh, you might be President and all.
EW: [narrows eyes] MIGHT? Let’s see if we can change that opinion. Bartender, 3 wise people for my friend here. [to Pete] We started calling them wise “people” because, you know, we don’t want to assume that Jack, Jim and Jose identified with their assigned genders.
Pete: Right, sure. That sort of makes sense, I guess.
EW: Don’t worry about whether it makes sense. Worry about those three full glasses in front of you. Drink up!
Pete: [drinks the Jim Beam]
EW: That’s the spirit! Get it, spirit, like we’re drinking spirits?
Pete: Yep. Yes.
EW: Yeah, I’ve tried that one on three other people I had a beer with. Didn’t fly with them either.
Pete: Listen, I drove here. I don’t think I need all of this.
EW: [signals bartender who opens PBR tallboys in front of Warren and Pete] Steve, let me tell you a little something about running for President.
Pete: I’m not Steve.
EW: First lesson of running for President, never learn anyone’s name. Most people don’t have the stones to correct the President. [Warren pounds a bourbon, drops another one into a glass of Guinness and drinks the whole thing down]
Bartender: Hey, no drop shots. It’s hard on the glassware.
EW: I’ll show you hard on the glassware, buddy, if you keep mouthing off like that.
Bartender: [takes off his glasses and folds them neatly on the shelving behind him] Give it your best shot, Warren.
EW: [winds up and throws a fist at the bartender’s face, stopping a fingernail’s width from his nose. Both laugh]
Pete: I think I’m just gonna get going.
EW: No, c’mon bro, stay. We barely even cracked this night open yet.
Pete: I really, I’m sorry, I thought this was going to be something different.
EW: Oh, what, like you’d ask me about foreign policy or something? Like you even understand that bullshit anyway?
Pete: Well, you’ve got me there.
EW: Damn right. Now sit your candy ass down, drink these other two drinks, then the next drink I bought you, and probably the 3 to 5 drinks I’m buying after that. Then we can talk balancing the budget or whatever.
Pete: I really should [security team member clamps a meaty paw on Pete’s shoulder, forcing him back into the stool]
EW: What you really should do is you should sit your ass down. Enjoy the party. Because if you don’t, we’ve got a funnel in the bus. You ever been waterboarded by well vodka?
Pete: [quivers and sits]