The article in question, first of all, can be found here. It contains much better jokes and images than Ruth’s comment.
Let me start with an apology to Ruth. Ruth, I’m sorry that I’m so stupid. I will work hard to get as smart as you. I started using Rosetta Stone. Or, what I thought was Rosetta Stone, but it was just an elderly woman named Rosetta Stone who I met on the bus. See, I just can’t stop being stupid.
But I will get smart, and when I do, I assume I’ll be as wealthy as you, and I will not only see purchasing a pen for $300 as a reasonable thing to do, I will brag about it in the comments section of an article linked to Facebook. I, like you, will be a woman of meanS (by which I mean I’ll HAVE means and also BE mean. Double-MEANing).
That said, Ruth, baby, (can I call you Baby? Like Baby Ruth? This isn’t a sexist thing. I would call a man Baby if he had a name that when combined with Baby made a candy, like if his name was Sugar), some of the things you said made me suspicious.
…perhaps you didn’t actually read the article!?
For starters, at the starter, I started by saying to start that hipster bullshit ain’t so bad. Because it’s not. And while I don’t think hipster bullshit is harmful, I think some of it is make-fun-of-able. For example, there was a guy who used to go to the same Starbucks as me, and he smoked a pipe. A TOBACCO pipe. I would watch him open this case, get the pipe out, load it up, struggle to keep it lit, get a good 3 puffs off the goddamn thing, then tap it out, clean it out with a pipe cleaner (I guess they really were used for that, not just awful-looking crafts), and put it back in the case. THAT is hipster bullshit. Because we invented these things called cigarettes, and we invented them because a pipe is a lot of work for very little return.
You can argue with me the merits of pipes versus cigarettes, one being healthier or something, but we’re basically arguing the health value of a plain donut versus one with sprinkles here. And where do you think pipe tobacco comes from? Do you think it’s made of kale and not turned into smoke?
And Ruth, I hate to break it to you, but you are definitely into hipster bullshit. You have “vintage” pens that you are going to have refurbished. I talk to a lot of people who write and use pens. I have never heard anyone say, ever, under any circumstances, that they had “vintage” pens that they would have refurbished. “Vintage” is a red flag because it’s a way of saying “old” and also implying “expensive.”
Let’s talk about your pen shop experience, Ruth. You’re better than me because you bought your pen in an actual pen shop. Ruth, there isn’t a pen shop within 2 hours of where I live. This is the REAL divide in society. It’s not the coastal elite versus the flyovers, it’s people who live in a place where they have so much stuff that it’s not divided into different aisles of one store, it’s all in its own store! If it was up to me, there would totally be a pen shop here. But it’s not up to me. So I have to buy pens online or buy them in a store two aisles down from where they have those fried chickens in the foil bags. Let me be clear, I don’t have ANY problem with this whatsoever. But you seem to.
Would it be great if I could dilly, maybe even dally, around in a pen store, handling a bunch of pens like sampling fro-yo? Sure. Of course. But that’s not really an option for me.
Now, as far as me doing research, I would say that spending the money, buying the pens and handling them is exactly research. Because the context here is that I’m deciding whether fountain pens are useful tools or hipster affectation. If signing up for a newsletter is crucial to using a writing implement, something I could do with a different writing implement by opening a package and sticking the pointy end on the paper, there is an element of too much work here.
I’m not here to judge the fact that you’re spending your time fooling around with fountain pens. I grind beans for coffee. Nice beans. And lots of people are like, “I just use Folgers.” And you know what? That’s cool. I have no problem with that. Because I don’t have to drink their shitty coffee. And if I am drinking their shitty coffee, they made it for me, and the gesture overrides my preferences. My coffee routine is hipster bullshit, and I enjoy it. So I’m not going to apologize for it. Everyone’s got their thing, and fountain pens are apparently yours.
The key is to not pretend that fountain pens are a totally normal, practical, realistic option for most people. I don’t pretend that grinding pricier beans is a normal, practical, realistic option.
Ruth, I understand you’re upset that I accidentally threw out the instructions for my pen, and believe me when I tell you that nobody was more upset than me. Except maybe for you. You seemed really mad. I was like a Mom where I wasn’t mad, I was disappointed. You were like dad. You beat me with the antenna you tore off the remote to my R/C monster truck because I threw away my pen instructions, mostly because they were ensconced inside a pretentious plastic coffin.
Oh, I guess you’re from somewhere that has pen stores, so let me explain: Monster trucks are really big trucks that crush other trucks, usually in a dirt arena, and the drivers of these trucks are minor celebrities.
The thing of it is, Ruth, I think you misunderstood me. But it’s okay. I’m used to being misunderstood this way.
When you’re a clown, like I am, you’ll always run into people who think that because you take pratfalls, you must be a clumsy oaf. That when you are self-deprecating, it’s because you really do suck. That you, as clown, are unaware that you’ve done something very stupid.
I suppose the difference between you and I is that I choose to spend my time making other people laugh. You choose to spend your time mocking me and defending the good name of the fountain pen. But I’m unmock-able. I’ve 8-Miled my entire life, already told everyone that I suck, so it’s not revealing any new information to say I suck.