1.) Steve’s dad wants to be Steve’s best man. But Steve wants his buddy Eric to be his best man because Steve’s dad is kind of an ass and will probably make the speech all about himself. What percent mad and what percent hurt will Steve’s dad be after finding out that he won’t be the best man?
2.) Dave has a bunch of change stuck in the change thing in his car. How the hell did he get so much fucking change, and how is it that spilled coffee turns into JB Weld when it contacts a nickel? Show your work.
3.) Sasha prefers to use a condom when sleeping with someone new. But Kevin doesn’t prefer to use a condom because he says it doesn’t fit right. What number of Mike’s Hards over what period of time will it take for Kevin to convince Sasha that condoms are for squares and that he’s totally sure he’s clean?
4.) Melanie forgot her mother’s birthday. It was three days ago. On the first day her mother was 10% more lonely, then 30%, then 85%. Assuming this situation continues, how many days will it take before Melanie’s mother overcomes her fear of momentary pain and elects to end her own life?
5.) Brandon has eight apples. He trades 60% of his apples for some oranges. He then trades 30% of his oranges for one banana. Why are these fuckers in math always obsessed with fruit? They don’t have to buy hard drugs, but jesus christ, how about a fucking car once in a while?
6.) Jamie opens a bank account. She’s got 3.8% interest and 300 dollars in the account. She leaves the bank very excited about her new source of income. How many steps outside the bank does she get before the tellers start laughing and high-fiving?
7.) What are the odds that the world will end tonight? Please consider this carefully because if it does end you’re going to be so pissed that you spent your last hours doing math. Dummy.
8.) Ben takes shrooms. He’s having a bad trip. Is this going to last forever?
9.) You work at a stop sign factory. You need to make a bunch more stop signs, and for some goddamn reason they only give you the lengths and angles of the top half of each side and not the bottom half. Is anyone really going to notice if every stop sign is exactly the same or should you just crank some signs out and go home?
10.) Steve thinks Serena Williams might be hot, but he’s not sure. She might be hot, but she might be a little scary in a way. Is Serena Williams hot or scary? (Please show your work and remember, this is for Steve, not me)