To do the world a favor, I’m reviewing all the Marvel film properties. Because NOBODY HAS EVER DONE THIS BEFORE!
Technically, I suppose I should start with the Captain America serials from the 1940s. I say “technically” because that’s what Wikipedia says, Wikipedia being the source of technical knowledge of everything that matters and a lot of stuff that doesn’t matter. Most things don’t matter. This is a good place to stop reading.
I tried to use Wikipedia to see how one would go about having a pet tardigrade. You know, those mini bear things that can survive anything? Because I haven’t had a great history with pets. A brief rundown:
Streak (Gerbil): Contrary to hilarious belief, not named after poo left in underwear. This guy killed himself by jumping into the top of his cage. I asked my mom if we could take him to the vet, and that’s when I learned a harsh lesson: pets that cost $3 do not go to the vet.
Clouds and Susto (parakeets): I don’t actually know what killed these guys. But I learned some valuable lessons. One, birds spread their seed everywhere. Not like cum seed. The shit they eat. You will find this in your home long after the birds are dead and buried in the backyard. Two, birds are not fun pets. You mostly are annoyed by the noises they make, and when you’re not annoyed you feel bad for keeping them locked up. You DO experience a new emotion, which is feeling bad while being annoyed, an emotion I call annoybed. This is good practice for being a parent.
Rex (lizard): I think that was his name. He lived less than a day. This might have been a defective pet. Do people return these? Also, when you buy a pet, if they tell you the “return policy,” you should be suspicious.
Anyway, the singular truth of pets is that none of them get out of pethood alive.
So I thought maybe a tardigrade would be a good pet. If it was basically invincible, even I could handle it.
Mostly, it looks like these little fuckers are just around. So you get some shitty swamp water and assume there’s a tardigrade in there. Named Amos.
In the Captain America serial, both Captain America and “Grant Gardner” are played by Dick Purcell
This was before we realized that when you make a face mask too tight, it looks like the superhero is a fat face mcgee.
When did we decide Dick was no longer an acceptable name? It was everywhere, then it was nowhere, and it’s not like it didn’t mean penis before. I’m pretty sure it always meant penis.
I did some research:
Turns out the use of “dick” went way up in the 80’s. Went way up! That’s great.
You might be wondering why Steve Rogers was changed to Grant Gardner.
…
Did you think I was about to go into an explanation there? I’m not. I just figured I’d say what we were all thinking. How the hell should I know? You’ve got Wikipedia. Look it up if you’re so goddamn concerned. I did the dick work, YOU do something for once.
I scrubbed through the first episode to see how long it takes to actually see Captain America. 17 minutes. Out of 25.
There’s some fistfighting, which was pretty great, and then a miniature skyscraper collapses with Cap inside. Also, for some reason, Cap needs a combination, and the only person who knows it is this old man, who relays the combo SLOW AS SHIT. I can’t tell if this is a way to build tension or if it’s 1944 and the film had an actual million year-old man in it because this was at a time when a guy who was 68 was like this instead of like Tom Cruise.
Overall, definitely the best of the Marvel films I’ve seen so far.