In my travels I’ve come across some pretty great library books. Have a looksee:
Ah, nothing like a good weather disaster story. Like on the cover here. Flood. That’s a good one. And…Hindenburg…
For those of you who don’t know, the Hindenburg was a huge zeppelin that crashed in an excellent fireball. Back in the old times we had this real habit of creating a new car or hovercraft or boat or whatever, declaring it indestructible, and then crashing it immediately.
There is some speculation on why it crashed. Mostly it’s pointless. Let’s face it, if you fill a huge balloon with hydrogen and it explodes, there’s not a whole lot of point spending the afternoon trying to figure out why as this would be the equivalent of filling your car with dynamite and then scratching your head when the driver takes it on a swervy mountain road and explodes into bits.
The most popular theories involve static electricity. Great. The theory favored by nuts and insane people involves the Hindenburg being struck by lightning. Now, despite quite a bit of evidence to the contrary, I still don’t know that this qualifies as a “weather” disaster. And even if it does, it should be with an asterisk, and it sure as hell shouldn’t be on the cover of your goddamn book. C’mon, there’s got to be something better. At least a picture of a barn swilrling away in a tornado or something.
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As you know, we at helpfulsnowman.com are dedicated to making the internet a safe place for kids. Especially when it comes to cyberbullying. Because kids who are victims of cyberbullying are even huger pussies than kids who just get regular, analog beat up, so they need the most protection of all.
What confuses me about this book is what exactly the cover art has to do with the internet, kids, or safety. Is that bird a hawk? Am I to interpret this as watching like a hawk? Is it about being lost in the virtual jungle that is the world wide web? Or was this just the first photo the author had on hand, and the most convenient one to warp beyond all sense in order to fit this oddly sized book?
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Do you ever wonder if sometimes books are published just because it makes you giggle?
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Uh, no they don’t. They do not marry, and therefore there is nothing that would possibly necessitate a divorce. And with the exception of animated dinosaurs with dead mothers and long eyelashes, I don’t think any prehistoric reptiles were capable of love, whether it be falling in or falling out. Sorry, Timmy. You are the only little boy in the world going through this, and we tried to make this dinosaur book to help relate things to you, but it’s really not going to be okay and you should stop thinking about the advantage of two Christmases and start thinking about the reality of two 1/3 Christmases.
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This one’s hard to see, but in case you can’t read the author’s last name, it’s Dingus. Dingus. That’s a man’s name somewhere out in this world. Guys, change the name if it’s stupid. I’m talking to you, Mike Seamons. I’m talking to you , Dr. Dick. Just change it, get it over with, and be proud that you passed down something of value to your children in the form of Smith.
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Look at that turtle. That guy is so fucking pissed that this hawk is just hitching a ride and there isn’t a thing he can do about it. What a dumbass.