Let me start off by saying that this is not a political blog.
Let me second that off by saying, Piss off, Bob Boswell.
Bob Boswell is the latest in line of people to leave some dumb piece of paper hanging from my doorknob. I expect this from a pizza place advertising a “special” that is actually their normal price expressed in bright yellow bubble font, or maybe a Chinese restaurant that will be closed before I can dial the phone number, even with the area code left out, but this is too far.
Kiss a dumb baby, stand in a shit convertible during some dumb parade, but leave me the fuck alone. I don’t want to hear your opinion on how your opponent is doing. Shitty, you say? Wow, what a surprise. Next thing you know you’re going to be telling me that things are only going to get worse if I don’t vote for you.
What follows is a long, so feel free to tune out, satisfied with the message of People who leave shit on your door are fucking assholes, and if you leave anything on my door I can guarantee you 100% that it will end up littered in a parking lot so that anyone passing by will get the message that Bob, Mary Kay, or whoever the fuck you are, you make nothing but garbage.
Let me explain why politicians could learn from prostitutes.
Okay, I’m cruising for prostitutes in my Chevy van with the little bubble window in the back. And let’s say I come across a prostitute named, oh I don’t know, Bob. Bob has an interesting tactic in that he’s wearing a full burka. I don’t know if he’s fat, thin, hideous, covered in acne, moderately covered in acne, or anything. I pull over and talk to Bob. I say, “What do you think, Bob?”
He says, “Well, I’m available. And so is Jim.” Jim is another prostitute standing one street over, so I can’t see him.
Bob says, “I’ll tell you this right now, you do not want to go with Jim.”
“Why not?” I say.
Bob says, “I hear he’s not hot at all. Not hot.”
I say, “Well, Bob, you’re going to have to be a little more specific.”
Bob says, “In 2008, Jim promised to give great blowjobs to everyone. Do you see anyone getting a great blowjob right now? Do you know anyone who was blown by Jim?”
I say, “No, but I don’t really travel in these circles.”
Bob says, “Trust me. I have no reason to lie.”
I say, “Yes you do. Because it means a job for you if I don’t pick Jim.”
Bob says, “But think about it this way. I heard Jim is planning to bite someone’s cock off. He says he’s going to.”
I say, “He said that to who?”
Bob says, “Eh, I’m not telling you that part.”
I say, “Alright, Bob. So maybe I don’t want to fuck Jim. Maybe I want to take your word for it. But how does not fucking Jim make YOU better. I still don’t know shit about you.”
Bob says, “Hey. Bob says Enough is Enough. Bob is about (blow)Jobs.”
I say, “Right. You say that. But I still know a lot more about Jim here. And from a skewed perspective. And bad things about Jim don’t make me want to fuck you. That’s insane. If I ask a waiter at a restaurant what the best thing on the menu is, they don’t go through the entire thing and tell me what’s NOT good. I just don’t think that hearing that idea A is shitty makes idea B inherently better.”
Bob says, “Uh…here, have a door hanger.”