Last time, when we talked about these pens, I brought up a thought that went a bit unfinished.
Namely: If I was presented the challenge of selling Bic pens to women, how would I do it?
And let me flesh out the scenario a bit.
We’ve all been in a workplace situation where something comes up, and the bottom line is “I don’t care what your opinions or ideas may be regarding the project up to this point. Here’s the fucking project. Fuckin’ do it.”
If you HAVEN’T been in this situation, I’d like to know where you work and how you got to be the CEO of that place and why you keep making people do shit they are morally opposed to.
Anyway, that’s the scenario because that’s what I wholeheartedly believe resulted in this pen. Not a whole room of people saying this is a great idea. Probably a very small handful of people saying this is a great idea.
Because I genuinely believe the problem isn’t this pen. It’s the premise that brought the pen into existence. If we’re going to talk about the issue, I don’t think it’s the pen, the execution of the idea. It’s the idea itself. And while I think the idea is flawed, it’s not very interesting to me to talk about the ways in which the idea “Sell Something To Women” is flawed because I think those reasons are pretty obvious and can be summed up with a very obvious statement, not all women want the same thing.
Case in point: There is a very small subset of women who have seen me nude and find this to be acceptable.
Which is why I’m doing it like this:
How would I react: A Thought Experiment.
In this scenario, the project is this:
- We must sell Bic pens to women
- The pens must be designed differently in order to accomplish this
That second rule is key because it rules out something like, “For every pen sold, we donate a dime to [women’s charity]” or something like that, which would be a great marketing ploy but doesn’t address the intellectual exercise. The idea of doing something like donating to women’s schools in other countries implies a corporate rationality that is about as real as the first ending to Ghosts N’ Goblins.
This is the challenge. It may be impossible, but I think it makes for an interesting intellectual exercise here. Which is never something I thought I’d say on this web site, “intellectual exercise,” but it’s been said and now we just have to live with that. That’s reality now.
Ideas.
Idea: Do exactly what Bic did, make pink and purple pens, but call it “Bic For You”
In the context of the exercise here, this isn’t the worst idea. Not because I think it will be successful to shove more pink and purple shit down people’s throats, but because if I have to do SOMETHING, I could turn in this idea, knock off a couple hours early and go drown my sorrows in bourbon. Or maybe I’d drink a cosmo or something as a nod to the women I just sold up the river.
I’ll say this for the pink and purple pens: Although this pen doesn’t seem to appeal to any women I know, it appeals to some women somewhere. There is a market for pink and purple shit.
There are people out there who buy weird “for her” shit all the time.
For example, I live in a part of the world where it’s not uncommon to see a bumper sticker that says, “Oilfield Wife” and has an image of a pink oil well spurting…pink oil, I guess. It looks like a pink penis spurting pink cum all over, which is kind of what the energy industry is doing right now, cumming all over our faces and telling us we should be grateful they’re willing to do it. But I digress.
I’ve always thought these bumper stickers were weird. Why is it such a proud accomplishment to be married to someone who does something?
If I was married to someone who won the Nobel Prize for Inegniousosity (I don’t think that’s a category, but let’s just go with it) I think I’d be proud of my wife, but I don’t think I’d necessarily be proud of MYSELF, saying, “Look at me! I got a smart one!”
Maybe, MAYBE, if I was supportive or something, I’d take a little pride. Maybe I’d feel a little good about that. But c’mon. Spouses are supportive of shit all the time, and I don’t bumper sticker that. I wouldn’t get a bumper sticker for my partner that says, “My boyfriend plays a lot of Ghosts N’ Goblins, and he hasn’t beat it yet, but he will. You see, it’s a difficult game, and I’m happy to see him applying himself to…”
Plus, let’s be honest, I wouldn’t be supportive to my Nobel wife. I’d probably be like, “Ugh, do I HAVE to wear a suit just so you can get some nerd award for nerds? Is anyone there cool? Am I going to have to talk to a bunch of dweebs? How did I end up marrying someone SO dorky that I, Pete, feel like a jock in an 80’s movie? I tripped over my own leg playing rec volleyball, and yet somehow I continually find myself in rooms where I’m like the COOLEST guy. This feels so unnatural.”
Not supportive in the least. I’m an asshole. Even in my hypothetical dreams this is inescapable.
Let’s rewind a little.
I see “Oilfield Wife.” But I’ve never seen “Oilfield Husband.” In fact, I googled “oilfield husband sticker” and all I get is stuff for oilfield wives or stuff that sexualizes oil drilling (see! I was right! CUMMING ON OUR FACES!).
I guess what I’m getting at is this: There’s a version of femininity going on with these “Oilfield Wife” bumper stickers. There are A LOT of people who have A LOT of definitions of femininity, and some of those definitions involve things that I’m going to call “girly” for a second.
Whether we like it or not, there is TOTALLY a market for girly shit. And as much as I think these pens are stupid, I have to look at another angle, which is this: If we’re being allowing of gender fluidity and whatnot, that spectrum also includes folks who love traditionally girly shit.
Folks. Not necessarily women. Folks.
Which is why the mistake might be in calling them “for her.” I could do the same thing but change the name to “Bic For You.” The “You” is ambiguous even if the target market is not so subtle.
It’s cheating the system, but again, this is the fucking Kobayashi Maru of pen creation scenarios. You cannot win without cheating the system.
Idea: Add a nail file to the pen’s clip
I debated including this one for a long time. Because, inevitably, someone will read that line and say, “Oh, you think women sit around and file their nails all day?”
That’s not what I think at all. I think a nail file is a useful accessory. And I do think there’s a gender divide when it comes to nail care.
But I fought with myself so long on this one that I decided, you know what? Fuck it. The nail file is going on Bic For Him.
Most men could probably stand to put a little more time into their nails. Flip flop season, or as I call it, what the fuck is wrong with your toenail season, is right around the corner. I’m making Bic For Him, and it has a nail file on it.
I hope you’re happy, voice of one version of femininity in my head. Now you can’t file your nails with a pen.
Idea: Make It Stabby
Probably not the official campaign, but I guess the idea would be that you could use it for an emergency tracheotomy. The appeal factor is a stretch, but let’s get more women into medical science, eh?
I’m not sure I love the idea of giving people the idea to stab me in the throat if I pass out. But I’m scraping the barrel here. It was a shallow barrel to begin with, okay?
Idea: Naked People Slidey Pen
You know those pens where there’s a picture of a person embedded in the barrel, and when you turn the pen upside-down the clothes disappear? That. We bring it back.
Deciding the naked people would be tough. I’m not sure who should be getting naked inside these pens. Maybe someone who is a nude model for artists? And then they could be INSIDE the pen already and save themselves a lot of time and energy getting to the art studio and disrobing? And the artist could just keep looking at their pen?
I guess the only way to decide is to take a vote. Except that I’m really not a believer in the democratic process when we poll people who don’t have enough knowledge in the area, so what we really need to do is figure out the 5 women who have seen the most naked people in their lifetimes, and then we ask those women to get together and come to a consensus. This is a very ambitious project, and for some, it would probably be disturbing to catalog how much nudity they’ve seen. But so be it. Desperate times.
Idea: Magnetic Clip
I always thought it might be cool if a pen had a magnetic clip. You could stick it on the fridge, you could…stick it on other stuff. It’s a gimmick, but hell, at least there’s possibilities.
Again, I run into the problem of how this appeals to women, specifically. I don’t think there’s much research to support women being more into magnets than men, and it’d be hard for me to make a case that these pens would fulfill a woman’s need for magnetism in her life, a need that’s gone tragically unfulfilled up to now.
And that’s the end. That’s as far as I got.
Kobayashi Maru. For real.