Golf:
Every swing seriously counts?
Basketball:
Why does this shit have to be so goddamn high? That seems excessive.
Baseball:
Wouldn’t it be easier to just get rid of foul ball lines and let them hit straight into the crowd?
Soccer:
Is this some kind of joke being pulled on us by Europe, South America, Central America, and almost everyone else?
Poker:
Well, it’s on ESPN, right?
NASCAR:
How many laps do they have to go before their weapons activate?
Horse Racing:
How rich do you think the jockeys have to get before they go from being shy about their deformity to being total assholes?
Football:
Do they seriously get all the free Gatorade they want?
Water Skiing:
Do you think they could slow down so I could see if that babe is a hot babe or not?
Skateboarding:
I get this half-pipe thing, but when is the part where they carry the skateboard a half mile down the sidewalk like the dopey kids in my neighborhood?
Ultimate Fighting:
Why aren’t these guys kicking each other in the balls?
Lacrosse:
Wait, they have sticks?
Rugby:
Wait, this isn’t lacrosse?
Cricket:
Fuck this game. Wait, I mean, “Fuck this game?”
Tennis:
Do you think they will ever play without underpants?