Confirmed Spider Murders: 11
Spiders Possibly Murdered, Assuming the Vacuum Got Him: 1
Beetles Decapitated: 1
Items Found Under Desk That Took Pete Through Shame Cycles: 8
Porn DVDs Mysteriously Recovered From the Jaws of Eternity: 1
Porn DVDs Mysteriously Recovered From the Jaws of Eternity and Watched Immediately While Floor Was Still Strewn With Garbage: 1
Loose Paper Circles From Hole Punch Thrown Away: 40,000
Distance (in inches) separating the field of sweat visible in crotch of pants from the band of sweat along my ass crack: 0