After walking around for about ten minutes I was thinking how much it must suck to make signs. You put all this work into shit and somebody doesn’t even give a damn.
Like this fucking sign. What’s that? You can’t see it? Oh, that’s just because you don’t have super laser vision. If you did you would simply adjust your eyes to maximum zoom and use the filters to see through the giant light pole. And you might also use a little laser vision to cut the tops of the trees off a little. Then you might know where the fuck you were. Some poor person made this sign and someone said, You know where this would look perfect? Three floors in the air. Assholes.
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Or how about this one? Clearly someone made a sign, an original one that fit the awning here, and then CHIP BEAKE decided to make a takeover. Does CHIP BEAKE give a fuck about color matching? No, because he’s CHIP BEAKE. Remaining consistent with all the words along one horizontal line rather than stacked? Not on CHIP BEAKE’S watch! Any reason to make a distinction that CHIP BEAKE is a guy and not a business that smashes bird heads? Not if you ask CHIP BEAKE.
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Wow. That’s a serious level of suck. If I may, I would like to suggest five problems with what we’ve got here.
1. Plain paper is clearly not a durable medium meant for the outdoors, based on the wrinkles and the fact that a ghost of the original arrow is still visible underneath.
2. Using more plain paper would have at least helped cover the ENTIRE arrow. I know that’s asking a lot, but can you please just sort of try so I feel like I have some reason not to kill myself?
3. Based on the fact that I can still see the original, the second arrow is way smaller. Why?
4. That arrow looks like it was filled in the way I used to fill my notebooks in class: Half-lazy while thinking about masturbating later.
5. How about you just solve the whole thing by setting the fucking sign on the OTHER SIDE OF THE STORE!?
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This one feels like the victim of serious groupthink. Let’s see…how can we express that people should not ride bikes OR skateboards with only one design. I know, we’ll just give them both to one guy! Idiots. How about you strap a pair of rollerskates on the fucker while you’re at it? And I don’t really care for the jaunty leg angle there. I can hear him saying either, “Dude, love mother earth” or “Dude, ska is the only truly free music” depending on if he’s going with the bicycle or skateboard persona today.
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As with any good story, this is the revenge part of the story. How the hell do people allow this to happen? Seriously, I know concrete people want to advertise too, but this is goddamn ridiculous. Who’s walking down sidewalks looking for these when they want to have their driveway paved? And by the way, fuck you. If I pay you to do something you don’t get to advertise too. When I finally decide to go through my big change and get fake tits, I’m going to be pretty pissed if the plastic surgeon burns his name and web site into my bodacious new rack.