We Stand On Guard by Brian K. Vaughan
My rating: 2 of 5 stars
America fights a war with Canada.
In most books we have to put aside a preposterous premise, allow certain things, to enjoy it. For example, if you can’t accept that an alien could come to Earth and prefer Reese’s Pieces over M&M’s, E.T. is not going to work for you.
I prefer Reese’s Pieces, by the way. It’s a deeply flawed candy, the shell is greasy and I think might be made of actual eggshell or something, but I still prefer them and you can go fuck yourself with your stupid M&M’s. Ever since they got rid of the tan ones, I’m out. #TanM&M’sMatter
I guess the premise we have to accept with We Stand On Guard is that Canada and America are fighting a war, and there are some ways in which Canada is remotely successful in this endeavor. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but there you have it.
I sort of want to go blow by blow with the plot, but I don’t think I actually followed it all that well. There was a bomb, and maybe it was sort of a sham or something, an inside job, and then there was a war, and then the U.S. was stealing all of Canada’s water for some reason. This water thing seemed very important, and also totally unimportant.
These stories always make me wonder because it seems like a ragtag group of half a dozen fighters does a pretty good job bringing down an entire military, or an entire, giant organization of some sort. Like The Matrix. Like 4 dudes destroy the whole system. Or Terminator. It seems like there are always just enough people alive to fill a production of Our Town, and somehow they manage to completely destroy a regime of machines.
I dig it, but what I don’t understand is how THOSE people survived, but no one else did. And if someone else did, wouldn’t they actually be doing pretty well in the battle? Is that why it never works this way, it’s not dramatic enough? And if they were able to fight off a terrible machine army or whatever, when they were running out of resources and people, wouldn’t they have been doing a lot better earlier on? That’s the part I don’t get, and it always seems like these small bunches of fighters become involved in the larger game, and then end up in a room with the single most important oppressor in the narrative somehow.
Does this ever happen? Is there ever a story where like, I don’t know, a guy is in the tower on 9/11, and then he ends up killing Osama Bin Laden or something?
All that said, the art is pretty cool. It looked like maybe a tighter, better-colored Frank Miller kind of style to me.
Anyway, does reading this qualify me to go live in Canada? I think I’m well-suited. I fucking love snow. I’m fine on beers. Hockey I don’t love, but I do own one piece of sports apparel, and it is a hockey jersey. It’s for a fictional team based on a podcast, which is probably the least-sportsy thing ever created in the form of a sportsy thing, but still, I’m counting it. I like donuts. I’m fairly polite. I would be totally worthless in a U.S. uprising against Canada, but that applies to both sides. I don’t love maple syrup, but I am pretty fascinated by the process of collecting it in a bucket nailed to a tree. Is that still real? Because I’m into that.
Overall, I’m ready, Canada. I’m ready to see what you have to offer. Consider this my application for commencement of wooing. I will put you on the list of possible countries, and we’ll see who makes the best offer.