Okay, so here’s a hypothetical question. You can play along at home.
You find a genie in an old Sierra Mist bottle, and the genie is ready to grant you six wishes. However, his power only allows him to grant a very specific type of wish. This genie will pull from thin air biographies on six people of your choice. They will be 100% true, will include everything that you want to know about the subject, including the inner thoughts and everything external. You can pick any six people, but you have to pick six right now, and the biographies only cover the selected peoples’ lives up until the moment of selection. In other words, no futurecasting. Also, you cannot use these books as viable sources for any kind of academic writing or proof of anything. In other words, you couldn’t get a tell-all biography of Michael Jackson, rewrite it and release it yourself. AND you couldn’t use the books as any sort of hard evidence against anyone. You will know the facts and can use them as you choose, but to anyone else it will appear that you are simply reading Stephen King’s Under the Dome. So, in no particular order, here are my six people. Feel free to pick your own six and write them in the comments below.
1. Bum Bryan
Those of you who know me are well aware of Bum Bryan, the man I was convinced was homeless but now am less sure. Does he hang out at Silver Mine all goddamn night? Yes. But does he also go to the gym and exercise? Again, yes. Sure, he does it in black jeans, but I guess I’ve never really known the homeless to exercise or make that a priority. These questions took me as far as following him to what I hoped would be home but was actually the parking lot near a golf course. Also, one of the most terrifying experiences of my life was last Friday, riding home from work and seeing him sitting in the truck next to me at the stop light. Nothing like what appears to be a deranged Santa with a rictus grin just sitting in a darkened truck next to you. I want to know what the hell is going on with this dude.
2. The Next Person I Get in a Verbal Altercation With.
I know, kind of vague. But just think, next time you have a little argument with someone you could take them apart with just a few words. “Oh yeah, well maybe you’re an asshole and maybe that’s why your parents sent you to live with your aunt Lois.” You would know the exact right thing to cut them in half. That would be pretty awesome.
3. “Chuck”
I’ll go so far as to use a fake name to protect his identity, but this dude who comes into my work is weird as all hell. He smells like gasoline, carts around the barely-animated corpse of his mother, and once came in several times in a row with what appeared to be blood stains on his shirt. Where did this guy come from? Was his past fucked up, or did he just get crazy at some point? Plus, sometimes it’s good to know whether somebody is prepared to stab you with a screwdriver or not.
4. Chuck Palahniuk (other Chuck)
One of my favorite writers, but also has some great stories. Based on the stories he told in Stranger Than Fiction and other magazine articles, I can only imagine there must be some great, weird shit in there. How fucked up must a dude’s secrets be if he fully explains the story of his father hiding under the bed while his grandfather walked through the house, shot the grandmother, and methodically paced to find the son to kill as well? It would be sort of like the excitement of watching Behind the Music” Ozzy Osbourne.
5. Whoever is in Charge at Powell’s Books
All I need is one dirty secret and I’m in. I don’t want to call this blackmail. I think our black brothers have gone through enough. If someone uses a secret based around a swinger’s club in order to get a job at a bookstore, I’d say that’s a lot more like whitemail.
6. Bill Watterson
The creator of Calvin and Hobbes. It’s kind of a favorite. Plus, he had lots of interesting things to say about comics but was a recluse at the same time. So I think there’s a lot to learn that may otherwise be lost forever. After all, a dude who refuses to make potential millions by licensing his wildly popular comic strip for merch must have something going on in his head.