Ladies, I’ve recently been introduced to the world of Pinterest fitness.
First of all, I was confused about whether I was supposed to be inspired or aroused by the images I saw. And then I was confused about how arousal works for other people and whether inspiration is a form of arousal. Then I watched Rocky to see what happened…and anyway, I was confused.
I’m sorry you have to be inundated with this horseshit. You can hardly get on Pinterest to look at, I don’t know, sloth memes and shit without seeing a tan lady’s torso with a six-pack dressed in workout attire. If you’re lucky and she’s not dressed in a thong or something.
I’m gonna call out some bullshit I see there. Let me just first make a disclaimer:
I’m someone who is a self-directed, self-taught gymnasium-goer for the most part. Notice I don’t say I’m a “fitness enthusiast” or some other horseshit. I don’t spend much time talking about exercise or the gymnasium. I think talking about fitness is really boring, and exercise is just something I do because it makes me feel better. Not because I believe in some kind of spiritual thing or feel a kinship or have a big health agenda or something.
I’m sure these Pinterest workouts provide results for some, and that’s great! If it’s working for you, then you’re golden.
But I think that’s gotta be the vast minority.
And here’s my primary qualification: I’m not trying to sell you ANYTHING here. I have no commercial motivation to say what I’m saying. I don’t have a system or some other stupid shit. I don’t actually have a way for you to give me money if you wanted to, unless you know me personally and just wanted to give me a dollar. I don’t have ads on my site. Nothing. I just want to provide some potentially helpful advice.
Last thing, let’s be clear, I’m not trying to talk down to you or say you’re dumb for not knowing what I’m about to say. Most of you probably know what I’m going to say already, and I think sometimes it just helps to hear someone else confirm your thoughts. Hopefully you say them with fewer swear words. Or more swear words. I’m usually not on the money with the amount of swears I use.
I don’ t think your dumb or that you don’t know what you’re doing. It’s Pinterest I blame. The lifestyle porn of Pinterest.
Here we go.
The Three-Minute Workout
This is fucking stupid. You can’t work out in 3 minutes. I’m not saying it takes 4 hours, but 3 minutes? Gimme a break.
Part of what sucks about working out, as we all know, is that it takes a chunk of time. And time spent running, it basically proves the theory that the faster you move, the slower time passes. 22 minutes of sitcom goes by like nothing. 22 minutes of running is an entire season of the worst show you’ve ever seen, and the whole time you’re watching, you’re chugging raw eggs. But there are certain scientific truths, and one of them is that you can’t work out for 3 minutes a day and see any change.
Anything that advertises itself as a workout based on an asinine time commitment is malarky.
I Want To Get Toned, Not Be Ripped And Bulky
Let’s think about that one. How many people do you know who got ripped ON ACCIDENT?
“Ugh, I need to do something about these biceps. They’re huge! I tore my favorite shirt, both sleeves, yesterday. I don’t know how to shrink down these guns. Nay, cannons. Nay, super cannons.”
Never happens.
The truth is, when you see someone who is super ripped, that’s not someone lifting 3 times a week and running 4 times a week. That’s someone who is fucking hardcore about training. And about eating.
The Rock eats 7 meals per day. Full meals. Over 5,000 calories, and he eats a shitload of cod. When you see a guy, probably named Chris, get all ripped for a Marvel movie, he’s working out, but he’s also eating like a fucking madman. Like someone infected with obese tapeworms.
One of the hardest things for bodybuilders is eating enough clean calories to create all that bulk. When you’re working out really super hard, you’re burning a lot of calories, and you have to be in the caloric black at the end of the day if you’re looking to add mass.
The point is, people who get ripped eat every meal like it’s a fucking contest. Because for them, it is.
You’re not going to get bulky or ripped on accident, so stop worrying about it.
Even if you don’t believe me, even if you have your doubts, look at it this way: if you get too ripped, the simple solution is to work out less and eat a fuckin donut. That’s a solution that anyone can manage.
The Super-Specific Target Areas
This is a total waste of time. If you want to be fit, your whole body has to work. You can’t just work your butt or your tum-tum or your whatever and walk away looking great.
It’s like this: when you do these stupid workouts, they prescribe all these crunches and bicycles and all these things that you would have a much easier time doing if you were also working on your legs a bit. When they have arm workouts, guess what, your arms attach to your body at your shoulders, and everything is attached to your back. If you want to lose arm flab, you have to work your arms, your shoulders, and your back.
Imagine, if you will, putting new tires on your shitty car. Will it be an improvement? Of course. Will it be the level of improvement you’re looking for? Not really.
I don’t even have anything to say about this one. You’re better than this.
The “Simply Do These 1 Million Things” Workout
I’m not trying to be an asshole here when I say that I know very few women who can jump out of bed and do 20 push-ups. I know very few dudes who can do that.
You know who rolls out of bed and does 20 push-ups? Batman. And you’re not Batman. No one is Batman. Because Batman’s not fucking real.
Then 50 squats? That’s fucked up. I don’t even know what else to say about it. 50 straight squats when I was asleep 20 minutes ago? The only workout that provides is working the vomit from inside of my body to outside of my body.
Something I’ve seen a lot of are these unrealistic workouts for starters. Yes, if you’re fit, you can probably handle this, but you probably ALSO already know what the fuck you’re doing and don’t need to read this post. Go flex in the mirror and enjoy your life instead or whatever it is you fitness weirdos do.
But if you’re starting, this is totally unrealistic, and you’re going to try, fail, and get frustrated. You’re going to try, fail, and be sore as hell for two days.
When you’re starting out, you should feel tired, but you shouldn’t feel like you joined the fucking Marines. When I take a week off, I don’t go back in and go balls out. I’m in my 30’s, not my teens, and I’m a normal person, not a fucking idiot.
Start slow.
Stop Being Scared To Use Some Shit
I guaran-fucking-tee you that every fitness model on Pinterest is using equipment. It’s not some amazing badge of honor that you’re not using equipment. Face your fear, lay down on a bench press. Go with a friend you trust, and have them show you if you’re not sure or if you need a refresher or if you just feel like you’ll do it wrong and you’re worried about what everyone else will think. Bodyweight workouts can do great things, but you’ll see better results if you’re willing to jump on a goddamn bench now and then.
The Pinterest Models Are Models. They Are Not Normal People
BEGINNER? This lady hasn’t been a beginner for a decade.
Also, get your fucking hair out of your face, lady.
You Don’t Have To Be Fashionable When You Work Out
Let me just say, it’s okay to dress like shit. It’s okay to sweat. Not glow, sweat, like where you have to mop up around the space you were using.
None of us look like Kate Hudson the rest of the time. I guarantee you Kate Hudson sitting down for a diarrhea looks ten times better than me at my best. So let’s stop wasting time trying to look like her at the gymnasium.
No You Don’t!
You don’t have to buy stuff. Don’t start by buying stuff. This is something I call Wizard of Oz syndrome. “If I had the right shoes…” “If I only had a kettlebell…” “If I had an elliptical at home…”
You have everything you need inside you. Goddamn is that corny, but it’s fucking true. Don’t let people use your desire to be fit as a way to sell you more shit you don’t need. Just go thrifting if you want to see what a racket fitness has become. Miles of Nordic Tracks, ab wheels, Bowflex’s. All almost totally unused.
Jesus Fucking Christ With The Reps
50 squats. 50. In a super intense workout for bodybuilders, 40 squats is high volume. That’s broken up into sets too, the highest being a set of 10. You don’t need to do 50 bodyweight squats anymore than you need be running 50 miles every day at a snail’s pace.
Exercise is a mixture of high intensity for short duration and low intensity for a longer duration. This is how you do anything, whether it be lifting or running or whatever. When it comes to running, the days you run shorter distances fast support the days where you run longer distances slow, and vice versa.
With lifting, you want to do some workouts with higher reps and lower weight, and you want to do some days that are higher weight and lower reps. Same principle as the running.
I’m going to make another plea, just go somewhere, hold a bar on your shoulders or do front squats, add a little weight if need be, and do 2 sets of 10 or 3 sets of 12 and then be on your way. Don’t spend all damn day doing some crazy ass shit like this, or more likely, don’t look at this, see that it’s going to be a horrible hour of horribality, and just put it away, thinking that fitness is too hard.
One Size Does Not Fit All
Yeah, just run. That’s all it takes. For Jessica Simpson.
You don’t need me to tell you there is a gigantic variety of body types.
For dudes, we talk mostly about two body types. There’s the type that, if he sat around and did fuck all for 8 months, he’d get fatter. And there’s the type who would do the same thing and get skinnier. Less strong, less fit, but thinner.
If men have like two body types, women seem to have about one billion.
And the thing about that is, one type of workout doesn’t fit for everyone.
Again, duh.
If the workout you’re looking at doesn’t specify what body type it’s designed to talk with, then skip it.
Spice Of Life
I know 4 moves sounds tempting, but your body craves variety.
When you train runners, the last thing you want to have them do is run the same course every day. This gets them used to going uphill at the same points, coasting at the same points, and then when they run another course, they wonder why it’s so fucking hard. Your body is really smart like that. It gets to know a long course in a deep, deep way.
When you exercise, if you always do your triceps last, guess what? That’s going to be one of your weaknesses. You’re already tired by the time you get to them.
You have to shake it up. You have to incorporate more than 4 moves into your routine.
Forget The Thigh Gap
I’m a dude who is not fat by any means, and my thighs rub together. When I go for longer runs, the chafing is not fun. You either got a thigh gap or you don’t.
Stop Working Out Things That Aren’t Muscles
Saddlebags aren’t muscles. You can’t exercise something that’s not a muscle. Your quads are muscles, your hamstrings are muscles, and your glutes are muscles. Your saddlebags are not muscles.
You might as well try and work out your toenails.
Also, when it comes to so-called problem areas, your body’s policy is first in, last out, That means, wherever you store fat, if it’s in your saddlebags, then that’s going to be the hardest to lose. You see people with fat chins or faces or calves all the time. It’s just how it works. Don’t sweat it.
Work on your whole picture of fitness instead. The fitter you are, the better you’ll feel, and the harder you’ll be able to work.
Before And After Is Always A Lie
Let me tell you how most of these are created. The ones where it’s actually the same person, that is.
The woman on the left is not fat and out of shape. She’s a bodybuilder, and she’s in her bulking phase.
Contrary to what most people think, bodybuilders don’t just grow and grow and grow. They get big, the bulking phase, and during this time they look bloated and less defined. Then, they cut, and they cut fat, water, all this shit, and then they look shredded because all that’s left behind is muscle.
What you’re seeing is the before, the bulking phase, and the after, the cutting phase. This is not a sustainable look, this is the result of cycles of bulking and cutting.
The fitness industry has found so many different ways to lie about before and after pics. They don’t mean shit.
I Don’t Understand Why Your Fitness Stuff Has To Be So Porn-y
I know what a butt looks like. You don’t have to just show me some random butt. What does that even prove? That someone somewhere has a butt that was photographed, and then you put text over the top of it. That’s it.
If I looked up a workout for men, and if the fitness model was wearing a thong and I could see the whole outline of his crank, and if I couldn’t even see his FACE, I don’t think I would trust that workout. That workout seems like it’s trying to send other messages.
If you want to look at porn, just look at porn. Quit beating around the bush. In fact, just type the phrase “beating around the bush porn” and I’m sure that’ll get you started.
If you don’t like this kind of stuff, don’t click on it. Even if you really want to see the workout, don’t click on it. Because believe me, the only reason this is so prevalent on Pinterest is because it works. People click on it, and the creators of these sites see which posts are getting clicked and re-pinned, and which posts are driving them the most traffic.
Write all the open letters and thinkpieces you want. It doesn’t matter as long as these sites are still making money.
Refusing to click on ads like this is the only way you can contribute to making them go away.
Consider The Source, And Fitness Isn’t Constant Progression
Fuck off, Buzzfeed. Just fuck off.
If you’re someone who is looking to be fit, not looking to peak and valley, then you know that fitness isn’t going to be a constant progression. You will hit an amount of exercise that will keep you where you want to be. It’s not like everyone who works out is constantly lifting more and more. There are plenty of people who find a good zone to maintain where they are and stick with it, changing it up here and there to keep it interesting.
Or, you know, you could listen to Buzzfeed and on Day 875 do one billion squats. Then head over to their quizzes section and find out if they can guess which coffin maker is right for you based on which Harry Potter book is your favorite.
Final Words
Hey, do what you want. You don’t have to listen to me. I’m not aware that this is part of any curriculum at this point, so if you don’t like what I have to say, continue not liking it and fuck off, I guess.
I just want to say that Pinterest is kind of fucked up. There’s a lot of good stuff on there, but man is there a lot of lifestyle porn bullshit. This is going to be my house, and this is the food I’m going to prepare in my house, and here’s a garden I’m going to build, and here’s what my kid’s birthday party is going to be like, and it’s all going to be perfect.
It’s not going to be like that.
And I’ll leave you with 10 truths.
1.When you start exercising, you’ll fuck up. You’ll grab too light a dumbbell or too heavy, and it’s okay. You’ll sit backwards on a machine, and fuck it, it happens. You’ll do something that feels easy, overdo it, and be sore as hell. Doing something new always involves fucking up. Fucking up in public will make you a stronger, better person.
2.Stop pinning exercises and start exercising. Pinning workouts isn’t working out. Pinning workouts doesn’t change how you feel or how you look. All that pinning workouts does, especially the workouts I see here, is give you a little more time looking at some unrealistic images. Which I don’t think anyone really needs.
3.If you don’t want to exercise, then don’t. You’re an adult. You know the cost/benefit ratio, and you know how that works for you.
4.If you want to exercise and you can’t seem to get motivated, just put on your workout clothes and go to the gym, walk to the end of the block, or do whatever minimum it takes to get you to the threshold of working out. Do this every day. If you’re standing in the gymnasium or at the end of the block and you still don’t want to exercise, then don’t. But if you go that far, you’ll have already vaulted over the time chasm that exists between the end of work and the beginning of the evening, and I think you’ll end up exercising more often than not.
5.Gymnasium Etiquette 101: Unload your bars when you’re done, bring a towel and wipe shit down when you’re done, don’t drop weights on the floor from a height of more than 2 inches, if someone wants to use something you’re using they will ask if they can work in which means alternating with them, you’re not obligated to chat with anyone.
6.Gymnasium Etiquette 102: Almost no one follows the rules, but you can’t get in your workout and monitor the behavior of other people. It’s annoying, people are dicks, and just remember you don’t work there, you work out there. You’re not there to be hall monitor. If someone leaves a bar loaded, consider it an extra bonus workout to unload it. If you can’t unload it, ask someone to help you. Someone will gladly do so and commiserate with you about all these assholes all over the place.
7.Don’t be afraid to do things with high intensity once you’ve got the hang of them. Hard running and heavy lifting are okay to do once in a while when you’ve got the technique down, and the intensity adds a lot of variety.
8.Don’t feel bad if you don’t have good feelings about exercise. Don’t feel bad if you don’t feel a runner’s high or if exercise makes you tired. Some fuckers are just lucky and feel great and love exercise, and most of the rest of us tolerate it for those once-in-a-while great days.
9.When something is difficult for you, not painful, but difficult, then it’s probably something you should be doing. You’ll naturally enjoy the things you’re pretty good at and shy away from your own weaknesses, and that’s how you know the things you’ve really got to work on.
10.Think about your goal and think about a way to celebrate when you get there. Bonus if that way doesn’t involve a selfie of you in workout gear. I think America’s primary export is workout-related selfies. We don’t need more of them.