Dear Velma,
You seem like a smart lady. I mean, you wear glasses and sweaters, so I can only assume that you are smart. But I think you should take a look at your life and consider a few different things.
First off, I’m not really clear on what your plan is should you find an actual ghost. Maybe you have a proton pack or something in the van, but I’ve never actually seen one. That said, what’s the plan? Because the reason people hire you is to get rid of the ghosts. Ghosts are like happy couples walking in an outdoor mall: We can all see them, but what we can’t do is kill them. We want to hire you to kill, so I think you should make some plans in that area.
Now I’ve noticed that none of your ghosts turn out to be actual ghosts, which is great and maybe you are such as solid atheist that you are convinced there is no such thing as a ghost which is why you have no plans to kill them. Fine. But I do want to warn you. Although the dudes you are busting aren’t ghosts, they are fucked up. They all own a run-down carnival or dress up like clowns, or appear to be doing meth. And so far you’ve been pretty lucky. For whatever reason they just seem to give up when you catch them in the ghost act. However, I think that you should prepare for the day when these men don’t give up so easily. A man who owns only an abandoned mine shaft and chooses to dress up as a mummy to keep people away from it so that he can get some kind of payoff (what, $1500?) is not a stable person, and I fear that you are likely to be attacked by these men. Have you seen Cops? There will be a guy who vaults over a wall, runs across the interstate, and chokes a dog to death to avoid getting busted for a DUI, so I can only imagine what someone would do to avoid multiple homicide charges, especially when one considers that all he has to do is gun down a few teens. And who doesn’t want to do that? You should consider a sidearm.
This part is a little personal. Velma, the great thing about being smart is that you don’t have to hang out with the jocks or the prettiest girl in school anymore. And you don’t have to worry about being partnered up with the stoner kids and dragging them through group work. You can just do your own thing. As far as I can tell you could probably handle the workload on your own. Break free, girlfriend.
I think there are a lot of things people would say to you, fashion-wise. I would say that you should get a nice chain for your glasses. You already have the librarian thing going on anyway, so why not add some functionality? But other than that, well, I might not agree with your outfit, but on the first page of Google image searching your name there is some lady dressed as you except she’s bent over in a thong, so I guess it’s working for someone.
-Pete
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