You know how you sometimes see a little kid wearing glasses? I mean a really little kid, like two. How the fuck do they know that a kid that young needs glasses?
For those of you jerks with perfect vision (especially those who consider this a great genetic advantage. Counterpoint: I can run you over with my car just fine, glasses or no) here’s how an eye doctor appointment goes. She sits you down, dims the lights, and you look through this giant machine. Contained in this machine are about 50 billion different lenses. You spend the next half hour flipping through lenses and saying which is clearer. A good eye doctor will pick two lenses and flick them back and forth, asking “One or two? Which is better, one or two?” A bad eye doctor, like that one who works at Pearl Vision but is so beautiful that you get completely lost in her eyes and can’t go back and complain because you only want the best for her, will go through three or four lenses and slap some glasses on your face.
What’s really surprising about the whole process is that it’s kind of hard. The closer you get to the right prescription, the more alike the two lenses are, the harder it is to tell the difference. Even as an adult I can’t tell and wonder if this is some kind of psychological trick.
Now, I’ve known a handful of two year-olds. They can tell you some things. For example, some, SOME can tell you the difference between not needing to shit and actively shitting their pants. Some. And shit in the pants versus no shit in the pants is a much broader stroke than the difference between two lenses. That’s assuming you can somehow make a child understand the idea of vision and perception, something they don’t seem to have a great grasp on based on the fact that they will launch into a story including characters you couldn’t have possibly met, or their enjoyment of Dora, the little Hispanic girl who tries to convince you that activities such as walking around and discouraging theft are fun.
Furthermore, how do you even know a two-year-old needs glasses in the first place? Because he’s constantly falling down and running into the wall, like every goddamn idiot two-year-old? The fucker can’t even read, so how is he going to read an eye chart? He doesn’t know what “A” is! My kid would have to be bumbling around like Mr. Magoo, constantly being swept up into the rafters of construction sites by accident before I started to think something was up. And by then he’s probably fallen in a canyon anyway.
I’m thinking this is an eye doctor scam. They just give the kid some goddamn fashion frames, charge extra for a stupid band to hold the glasses on the kid’s head, and send you the fucking bill.