Othello by William Shakespeare
My rating: 3 of 5 stars
When Desdemona gets assigned to work the hottest New York magazine ever right out of journalism school, she didn’t count on one thing: Othello.
Othello is the hottest boss a girl could dream of. He’s smart, capable, and he knows how to wear one of those things around his neck that looks like an automotive air filter.
And it just so happens that there’s a big story a-brewing.
Beneath the streets, a race of ninja turtle men has risen. From how, we don’t know. If we knew, then it wouldn’t be all that exciting, and we’d miss the great scene where the ninja turtle men reveal themselves to a terrified public, probably, I don’t know, right when they light the tree at Rockefeller. The mayor pushes the button to light the tree, the whole square goes dark, and then the lights kick back on and there are turtle men EVERYWHERE!
And these, my friends, are not just turtle men. They’re fearsome fighting teens. They’re cool, and they’re rude. They do machines. They’re party dudes.
In what can only be described as the most out-radical-ragoues takeover of all time, the turtle men run rampant in the streets, playing obnoxious 90’s rap at inappropriate volumes, eating pizzas, throwing vegan pizzas at people and burning them with the hot cheese(like substance that I understand is part of a vegan pizza). They tip over cars and light things on fire.
And it’s up to Desdemona and Othello to stop them.
Desdemona: I can fight. I’ve fought many mutants in my time.
Othello: Not like this.
Then, Othello plays a song on the piano in his office, and a secret panel moves off the wall, revealing a hidden staircase. It looks suspiciously like the staircase from Tales From The Crypt.
Othello open a huge cabinet and it’s full of ninja weapons, but with a twist. Swords connected by a long chain, nunchaku with acid all over them and special gloves for the handler to not get acid-ed.
Othello and Desdemona load up, and Othello says, “Let’s make Turtles out of these guys.” And Desdemona doesn’t get it, and Othello is like, “You know, like those chocolate candy things? What I mean is, let’s make them like that, by which I mean, let’s shit on these guys so it’s like they’re chocolate-covered.”
Desdemona thinks it’s dumb, but she just nods and they go have a huge karate fight.
Highlights:
A turtle man gets his head sliced off and it falls in a toilet.
A turtle man gets impaled by a giant, gas-powered vibrator, and his corpse vibrates around on the floor for a while.
A turtle man gets shoved out of a helicopter, into a volcano.
I won’t spoil the rest, but trust me, this is one thrill ride you don’t want to miss. So buy your tickets early. Because seats are going fast.