Modelland by Tyra Banks
My rating: 1 of 5 stars
Today, I finished fucking Modelland. A saga that began on May 28th, the year of our lord 20 and 12.
Let’s finish up the plot on this mother and then bury it all deep within our brains, only to return again when I’m demented and in a nursing home, muttering shit about Chris-Cream-Crobat and the like.
We last left our…I want to say “heroes”, but let’s just call them people we’re following.
We last left our people we’re following when it was revealed that they all know each other from back when. Sort of how like in X-Men comics it was always like, “Let’s introduce a new character. We’ll make him Cyclops’ brother. Or his dad who lives in space. Cyclops, meet SpaceDad.”
Everyone knows each other, and then the conflict between Creamy and the Belladonna gets physical. Until a spike on the BellaDonna’s dress skewers Creamy. Bitch goes down, and the Modelland police bust in and arrest the BellaDonna. Or Modelland-arrest her, I guess. Mollest? No, let’s just stick with arrest.
By the way, the Modelland police, heretofore not seen, bust in and move the action along about 4 times in the last 50 page or so. Where the fuck have they been this whole time? I wish we’d known about them earlier because, damn, they really move shit along. They really are the plot police, busting in whenever things are moving slowly and it’s time to pick up the pace. Alright, move along, nothing to see here. Seriously, there’s nothing to see here, let’s move along to where stuff happens.
For nearly killing Creamy, the BellaDonna is thrown in The Ugly Room, a room covered in mirrors that reflect the ugliest version of yourself.
Ci~L visits the BellaDonna, her mother, in The Ugly Room, and does the whole “Why did you give me up? WHYYYY?”
The BellaDonna is basically like, “I had to,” Ci~L accepts that, they embrace, and then we have what has to be one of THE stupidest reveals in the entire book.
I know I’ve said buckle up before. Get ready for some stupid shit. But seriously, strap yourself in to a gossamer ballsack, fill it with a fluid of your choosing, and hold your breath, cuz here we go.
BellaDonna to Ci~L: “When I had you, I looked into your gray eyes and the first thing I said was, I see love. And Ci~L, every time I see you, even right now, I see love. That’s how I named you. Ci~L…see love.”
I don’t know if this was made up by Tyra at the end or planned all along, and I can’t decide which is worse.
Then, the Modelland police drag Ci~L out of the room to be executed because (say it with me) Fuck You, It’s Modelland.
Really, I’m not sure whey she’s being executed. Which is fine because they put her in a guillotine, drop the blade, and right before it hits, the blade stops and everyone applauds Ci~L for becoming THE NEW BELLADONNA!
Why they made the announcement this way I do not know. It would be like becoming President, and the first thing that happens is you’re kidnapped, thrown in a van with a bag over your head, they threaten you, make you beg for your life, and then pull the bag off your head and are all like, “JK! You’re President! Awesome job, and I’m sure there are no hard feelings for the way in which we’ve chosen to announce this!”
And that’s pretty much the end of the book. Tookie and Ci~L go flying around, ready for their next adventure.
The book doesn’t even do it the way it should, but let me do like an Animal House thing and wrap up all the characters:
The Unicas: Dylan, Piper, and Shiraz: No fucking idea. No mention of them. They seem to vanish near the end, don’t know, don’t care. Let’s say…they’re werewolves now. Seems reasonable.
Creamy: On life support in Modelland, in a room right next to the Ugly Room somehow. I swear to fuck, Modelland is like that movie Cube where different things must be constantly moving around and changing location, because whenever something needs to be near something else, it’s like one door away. Tookie tries to reconcile with her mom the way Ci~L did, but her mom is unconscious, so that doesn’t really work.
Myrracle: Turned into a cat in the evil hall of cats or whatever.
Bravo: OH, I forgot the reconciliation with Bravo.
Bravo, who Tookie is still super-pissed at for no reason at all, makes up for whatever the perceived slight might be by re-creating Tookie’s insane idea for a first kiss. He writes her a message on some dudes’ chests, sings her a terrible song, shoots whipped cream in her mouth and his, and then they kiss.
In the course of this elaborate kiss, the “Pee-Wee’s Breakfast Machine” of kisses, Bravo slips Tookie the tongue, and she stops and is like, “Whoa, not THAT kind of kissing.”
Fuck you, Modelland, okay? You make us wait to see this kiss for OVER 500 PAGES, and when it comes, the dude goes for some tongue action, and it’s like “That’s taking it a bit far, don’t you think?”
I’m not going to take the stance that Tookie OWES Bravo anything, but she punched him in the face, shit on him for half the book because she has low self-esteem, and he couldn’t be a nicer, sweeter dude. And this kiss forces us through 9 pages of setup before lips touch. This has been the unsexiest book about modeling I can imagine, and when we get one sliver of Bravo’s sweet, muscular tongue, it’s rejected outright.
For some reason, this slip of the tongue feels less like a romantic boundary has been crossed, more like…imagine you’re dating someone, and you play hooky from work to clean your shared apartment top to bottom, and when your partner comes home, first thing, she’s like, “Oh, I hope you didn’t use up all the cleaning supplies.” It’s like, can’t this dude do ANYTHING right for you, Tookie?
Anyway, if you recall, Bravo told Tookie a story about a boy named Deca, which was really Bravo’s story in disguise. Here at the end, Tookie tells the story of Tookalatta to Bravo, and we get a recap of the entirety of fucking Modelland in the final pages of the book. It’s like a book written as a 5 paragraph essay, and you spend the last part going, “Remember that stuff I told you? I’ll tell you again, just to make sure.” Also, Bravo was there for like 90% of what she’s talking about.
Zarpessa: You might think that after Tookie guarded Zarpessa’s secret that we’d see some growth. Especially after Tookie says she’s not at all interested in Zarpessa’s boyfriend, Theophilus Lovelaces. Zarpessa admits that Tookie did a good job keeping her secret, and calls her an unfortunate-looking, big-headed, crazy-eyed, forgettable bitch. Then Zarpessa walks away. Cool. Done-sies.
Chris-Cream-Crobat: What of Tookie’s father? Eh, I guess no one gives a shit.
Lizzie: Tookie’s cutter friend, who played a big role in the beginning and then made a cameo just a scant few pages before? Well, we have time to look over the horizon or something and think, “Wherever she is, I hope she’s alright.” Not really an action or a genuine wish, it seems. I mean, god forbid you DO SOMETHING. But I guess it’s the thought that counts?
Our narrator: Leaves us with a girl power message.
Tookie: Will continue her “studies” in Modelland, and signs off using her T-Mail jail, where she ALSO manages to squeeze in a 4 page soliloquy about how you can do it and go get yours, girlfriend.
~
And then we have the acknowledgements. 14 pages of them.
Tyra thanks every place where she wrote. It turns out that Modelland was the product of fancy hotel lobbies, resorts and cafes, for the most part. A trip to Morocco REALLY helped her get down the architecture of something or other, and while in Morocco, Tyra read from Modelland for a half an hour to Berber children who spoke no English. Her theory being that if she could hold their attention, the book had a good chance at success.
I’m having a hard time describing how monumentally stupid that is. Reading to a bunch of kids in a language they don’t know.
You know, my brother spent 2 years in the Peace Corps in Morocco, and one of their favored movie stars is Jean Claude Van Damme. I don’t know how these pieces fit, but they totally do.
Tyra also thanks the librarians who “let” her work in the library. You’re welcome.
And now, some of the true criminals.
There was an agent involved. There was also a separate book agent who encouraged Tyra to come up with a term better than “Supermodel”, which is how we got “Intoxibella.” Thanks, asshole.
And finally, an editor. Yes, there was an editor who took a hot mess of 1000 pages and turned it into a hot mess of 550 pages. I tried to find a picture of this editor pre and post Modelland, figuring she’d be like the President pre and post office, having aged 20 years in 4, but alas, no dice.
And that’s that.
~
Because I feel like there are just a few more things to cover, I’d like to just hit the FAQ on Modelland and really finish this off. By finish this off, I mean “finish this off” like I would talk about masturbating a horse that really does not want to be masturbated. It’s a fight.
Q: Do you really think Tyra wrote this herself?
A: I do, 100%.
A lot of people have asked me this question, and with good reason. I’m sure many a celebrity teen book has been ghostwritten. Snooki admitted to having a “coauthor,” as did Nicole Ritchie, or, at least, Nicole Ritchie’s publisher did. Hilary Duff said that she came up with the general plot of her story, and it didn’t even occur to her to credit the person who, you know, made an idea into words. The person who did, you know the writing. Which is insane and infuriating because, fuck me, doesn’t everyone have an IDEA for a book? Isn’t the writing part the thing that means not everyone has a book to his or her name?
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/02/fas…
Young, hot, female stars definitely jumped into the publishing game, so it wouldn’t be a huge shocker to see that Tyra had done the same, slapping her name on a pile of ideas.
But. If you look up reviews by people who have read Modelland, they seem to universally agree that there’s NO WAY this was ghostwritten.
Why? Because it’s too fucking crazy.
If you were a ghostwriter, and you turned in this 550 pages of balls-out crazy, you would be fired. Correctly. If you brought this to your boss and she fired you, she would be right to do so. How can you drag Tyra through the mud like this? We’re trying to create a good relationship with celebrities, sex tape creators, people who take cleavage-y pics on Instagram, Disney stars who are turning into…whatever it is that Disney stars become when they’re not kids anymore and seem a little desperate. You can’t give us this blibble-blabble. And I’m concerned for your mental health, frankly.
If someone were ghostwriting this, it would be half as long, it would make a lot more sense, and it would not have been so hard to get through in just under a year.
Q: Do you think Tyra was on drugs?
A: Honestly? No. I read up a little, and Tyra says she’s never done drugs. Which I wouldn’t necessarily believe, except she’s also drank maybe once in her life. She says she’ll order wine at restaurants because it “looks sexy”, but she never drinks more than a sip or two. There’s something naive about Tyra that makes me believe her.
Q: How did this get published?
A: Well, that’s pretty easy to understand.
At the time of this publication, we were at the confluence of a few things.
1. The boom in female celebrities writing semi-fictional teen lit.
2. Teen lit hitting big, in general.
3. The multi-part series being a primary economic force in book sales. Modelland was just after the ends of Twilight, Hunger Games, and Harry Potter.
Basically, it looks to me like Tyra signed a book contract, seeming to be the perfect combination of celebrity with ability to promote, create, and who might have an interesting story.
It’s a sad state of affairs. I heard an interview with a major publisher who said that the state of things required them to publish memoir after memoir by a former wife of Hugh Hefner because that shit sells, and if they sell enough, they can publish things they like. But for every good book, there’s gotta be a Tori Spelling joint to fund the industry.
Q: Okay, but how did no one edit this thing?
A: Honestly? When this came in at 1000 pages, I’m guessing whoever edited it just threw their hands up and said, “I’m going to edit copy and make it semi-coherent. I’m not going to make it perfect. Serenity now!” It’s like that fireman who had his face burned off. His replacement face doesn’t look great, but it’s a tiny step up from what he was working with before. Baby steps, and you have to accept it’ll never pass for normal.
Q: How do you think Tyra feels about it?
A: I think she’s proud as hell. I listened to a recorded Google Hangout, and she made with a lot of excitement. Honestly, she was very nice to everyone, and I felt a little bad, but then she was explaining how Tookie was her at 15 and Ci~L was her now, and it all made sense. Why the end of the book is all about Ci~L, a character we don’t really care about at all and haven’t followed all that closely. Well, all the people are Tyra, so it doesn’t matter which cypher we focus on here and there. It’s all Tyra.
Based on the writing, and this is harsh but my honest assessment, I think this is written by someone who hasn’t been told No in a writing setting, ever. I think she was working in a very supportive environment, which can be good, but wasn’t what she needed.
Q: Where’s Modelland part 2? And part 3, for that matter?
A: I don’t think they’re happening. My theory on this is that Modelland sold enough to justify its existence, but not a whole lot more than that. I don’t think there are enough folks clamoring for more. This never got hardcore movie buzz, it hasn’t found a place with the Hunger Games and Harold Porter books. And it would seem, from my admittedly-limited POV, that the shining light of teen lit trilogies is fading a bit. I think we all got wise to the decompressed storytelling that allowed for THREE sales of hardcovers when the story warranted one. Or less. And it would also be my guess that after turning in this hellbeast of a manuscript, a publisher might be willing to let Tyra go based on work provided.
Q: What’s Modelland’s future?
A: Honestly, I don’t know. This could become something of a cult classic. I’ve read some bizarro, and this shit is weirder simply because it’s not categorized as bizarro. It’s a teen girl empowerment book, but with some fucked-up, weird shit that doesn’t even work. It’s very much The Room, The Birdemic, The Fateful Findings of books. I think the length and the fact that it’s a book, not a movie, really hold it back, though. It’s hard to enjoy the ride that long. A rollercoaster if fun when it’s crazy and makes unexpected moves, but not for 40 hours in a row.
Q: What’s your final judgment?
A: The true tragedy is that there IS a good book in here somewhere. It’s buried under miles of leachate, but it’s in there. There really is something to the idea of expressing how crazy it is to become a globe-hopping model at the age of 15, how nothing makes sense, how the people you encounter seem wild and strange. There’s something to ratcheting that up and making it a novel. But it didn’t happen. Modelland didn’t get there, and I think that, for me, it just plain needed more coherence for me to even recommend it as something that can be enjoyed at all, period.
Q: What will you read next?
A: I don’t know. Another challenge book will be in the works. I need to find something great, so if you have suggestions, comment away. I’ve already read License to Love, which was fucking awful and great, and Redeeming Love, which was vile. I’ve read some hilarious Kindle porn and Agent Cold Beer, which is probably the best/worst self-published thing I’ve ever experienced. So what’s the next Modelland? You tell me.