Modelland by Tyra Banks
My rating: 1 of 5 stars
02/01/2016 Update:
I’m now 90% through this book, and in this last section, shit gets really, really real.
It all begins with one of Tyra’s patented narrator sections, the ones you can tell are being read by a narrator because the text is in italics and the narrative thread is EVEN MORE DIFFICULTER to follow. Oh, and she says “dahling” a lot, which makes the narrator sound like a vampire, to me.
Quote: “Oh my poor, dear dahling. You thought it was over, didn’t you?”
I didn’t really, but that’s a prescient assessment of my hopes.
Rather than even discuss this section, which does absolutely nothing (other than specifying that exactly 43,347 people are let into Modelland’s stadium for the 7Seven Tournament), I’d rather just say that I had a great idea about a vampire movie. The vampire? Count Dracula. The tagline: Count on…the Count.
The rest? Hollywood magic.
We land back in Modelland after our second ride in the gossamer ballsack, which has really paid off a lot more than I thought it would, and the girls race towards the stadium to see the 7Seven tournament on time.
I wish I’d been doing this all along, pulling a favorite line or descriptor from each chapter. But I haven’t been, so this one might seem out of place. But fuck you, it’s Modelland.
My favorite line: “They raced past the BellaDonna statues as fast as they could. In the distance, Tookie heard the sounds of drums beating, people cheering, and a nonspecific frenzied rumble of activity.”
Aaaaa wuhhhh? Nonspecific frenzied rumble of activity? Just one of your classic, nonspecific frenzied rumbles. You know the type.
You know, I’ve always valued specificity in writing. That’s the word I would use. Specificity. It’s just amazing that this late in the book, Tyra has managed to so specifically, so amazingly bullseye the exact opposite of everything I’ve ever wanted to read on a page.
Okay, what happens next is a whole bunch of bullshit, and what I’m going to do is sum it up. And trust me, I’m doing you a big fucking favor here, because what happens is a bunch of revelations that we’re not supposed to understand until the sentence that completes each reveal, but the reveals comes like 10 pages after you already know what’s happening, and you’re going crazy watching Tookie puzzle it out. Things get so convoluted that at one point, Tookie passes out, thinks it’s all been a dream, then wakes up and is like, Oh, THAT dream was all a dream, and now I’m in reality. It’s confusing, but I’ll try.
Here’s what happens:
Creamy and Myrracle scale the wall and fall into Modelland. Everyone is pretty surprised by this, including Tookie, and then Creamy demands that the BellaDonna see her and Myrracle. Which the BellaDonna does because in Modelland, when someone demands something, you either have to do it or there is some crazy plot reason that forces you to. Motivation is not something these characters have in any form.
We have a long, drawn-out argument where Creamy says she’ll reveal the BellaDonna’s secret if she doesn’t let Myrracle into Modelland. This goes back and forth for an unbelievably long time without actually telling us anything because I guess that’s what dramatic tension is about. It’s sort of like Hitchcock’s rule about putting a bomb under the table. If you’re going to do a story about a couple eating breakfast who get blown up by a bomb, Hitchcock will say you have to SHOW the bomb go under the table so we viewers KNOW that the explosion is going to happen. That’s tension and suspense.
So in this scene, we have…something under the table, which will do something we can’t determine, and it goes under the table and we TALK about how it’s going to explode for about 400 years, at which point someone just pulls out a gun and shoots everyone, and THEN the bomb explodes.
In the midst of the argument between the BellaDonna and Creamy, which mostly involves someone saying something and the BellaDonna shouting SILENCE!, Tookie runs to that weird thing in the spa where the oracle ladies can show you your memories. Remember that? It’s okay if you don’t, it doesn’t matter. Just picture those weirdos from the Tom Cruise movie where they told the future with skiballs.
Everyone follows Tookie for no reason, and then we’ve got Tookie, Creamy, the BellaDonna, and Persimmon all in the memory time machine thingie. Oh, Persimmon is basically the BellaDonna’s slave, a Mannecant, which is a mannequin thing that failed Modelland candidates become.
Okay, we flash back, and in a series of scenes that take Tookie a painfully long time to reconcile and puzzle out, we discover that Creamy was once a Modelland candidate, and her best friends were BellaDonna and Persimmon. They’re all so happy together, until BellaDonna carries on an affair with an outsider, who Creamy also tries to bang for some reason. Now, we’re supposed to think that this outsider is Tookie’s father, Chris-Creme-Crobat, because the character is shown being graceful in weird ways and manages to walk a balance beam for no reason, but it’s not. It’s Wingtip, the magical black hobo we saw like two times before this and just happened to live in Tookie’s home town.
It turns out, BellaDonna got knocked up, delivered the baby in secret in a bathroom stall, and Persimmon and Creamy find her. The BellaDonna’s mom, the ORIGINAL BellaDonna, finds the scene, punishes Persimmon by making her a Mannecant for some reason, she makes the baby and the man leave, and then nothing happens to Tookie and BD because, eh, we punished Persimmon, who did nothing, and that seems adequate.
Fast-forward a few months. BD can’t stand not seeing her baby, so she convinces Creamy to jump the Modelland wall with her. Yes, they age 50 years by doing so, but BD is sure she can undo the age because, after all, she’s royalty.
They cross the Diabolical Divide and visit the baby and babydaddy. BD goes out for baby formula, and Creamy basically attacks Wingtip, pinning him down to try and have sex with him.
Tip, ladies. If you’re trying to force a man to have sex with you, kneeing him in the groin is not one of the best ways to bend him to your sexual. That’s like trying to jumpstart a car by smashing in the engine with a hammer.
Of course, BD walks in RIGHT THEN, Creamy claims Wingtip was trying to bone HER, and the Modelland police rush in and take the two girls back to Modelland.
The original BellaDonna (BellaDonnaMomma) then gives her daughter a choice. She can stay in Modelland, have her beauty restored, and be famous and in charge, or she can be with her baby, remain old, and so on.
BD stays.
Creamy is pissed because the BellaDonnaMomma doesn’t de-age her, so Creamy tells the BD that she is the one who tried to bang Wingtip.
Anyway, then we cut to Wingtip, and we find out the baby he’s got is none other than Ci~L!
What will happen in the last 10% of this book? It’s anyone’s fucking guess at this point.
~
Okay, there’s one other thing we need to do here.
As part of this exhaustive review, I promised I would give a couple people their very own Modelland names. And with the revelation in this section that Creamy’s real name is Cremalatta Defacake (yep!), I feel like it’s time.
Jamie, thanks for your contribution.
You’re a handsome fella with a Hawaiian flavor, and you’re a deep thinker.
Your Modelland name: Poitein Alowenha
Alan, thanks for your contribution.
You’re a young fella with a deep voice and a blonde beard. Kinda Viking-y, but with brains.
Your Modelland name: Al-Ma-Matter Beardheart.
Silence!