Modelland by Tyra Banks
My rating: 1 of 5 stars
01/26/2016 Update:
And now, the romance between Tookie and Bravo heats up. Sort of.
I’m just going to put it out there, the problem with this romance is not one that’s exclusive to Modelland. In fact, it’s everywhere.
I saw Avengers: Age of Ultron this last summer, and the romance between the Black Widow and the Hulk, my god was that unearned.
When two characters fall in love, I think I need one of two things:
1. To be so in love with one or both of the characters that I feel like, “Duh. Who WOULDN’T be in love with this character?” To use The Office as analogous, Jim and Pam. They’re the best-looking people in the office, and they’re the most fun.
2. To not be in love myself, but to see the characters and totally understand why they would love each other. To go to The Office again, Angela and Dwight. They’re abrasive and weird, but their idiosyncrasies match up perfectly.
These two types of on-screen romances work because I either feel what the characters feel, or can understand why they feel what they feel.
For Avengers, I guess I felt the first, beauty level type of romance. The actors are pretty good-looking, although pretty much everyone in those movies is good-looking, so it’s kinda moot. But when they tried to go for the second level with the “I have a monster inside me” and “Me too, in that I don’t have a uterus, making me unable to have babies, therefore a monster,” I didn’t get there. And not to get too nerdy, but Bruce Banner and Tony Stark. They made a robo man TWO robo men, in fact. I think that cloning from a mixture of DNA’s would be pretty fucking easy for them. Just sayin’.
Believe it or not, Modelland does an even worse job with romance than a movie about a green monster with purple pants and his robot friend.
Let’s look at the romance angles.
Tookie, I’m told, is borderline hideous. From her perspective, sort of, but at the very least, she’s an unconventional beauty. Which is too bad for her because in terms of personality, she would make the most unbearable romantic partner of all time. My god, can you imagine? “Oh, I don’t know why you stay with me. I’m not very pretty.” “Oh, I don’t think I’m pretty enough to go to that Starbucks. Let’s go to the one across town.” “Oh, I speak every language ever and am the most morally perfect person ever to walk the Earth, but I can’t stop being surprised whenever someone treats me with a modicum of humanity, so get ready to have a 20-minute discussion should anyone ever hold a door for me or not just cut in front of me in line because I’m SOOOO INVISIBLEEEEEE!”
What’s really weird about the way this book is written, beauty is obviously important. Tookie doesn’t FEEL beautiful, but probably is. I mean, to say that you don’t feel beautiful because you can eat whatever you want and not put on weight…good luck with that one. But the problem is I DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW what she looks like, other than to say everything about her sounds like a young Tyra Banks, with the exception of eyes that are different colors.
If this book were written in the first person, it would totally make sense. Well, let’s not go that far. It’d still be fucking nuts. But at least it would make sense for a young girl to perhaps undervalue her own looks in the face of so many pretty models. Also, if this book were written in the first person, we could always pretend that Tookie had suffered a severe head injury and that’s why the story read like this. That would be a good thing for Tyra to have kept in her back pocket. Classic unreliable narrator, victim of eyeliner-induced brain fever or something.
But the book is third-person omniscient, which means we SHOULD be hearing about what Tookie ACTUALLY looks like here and there. But we really aren’t.
I have to assume Tookie is hot. It’s a problematic, confusing assumption because everyone treats Tookie like a CHUD, but the only options are to assume she’s young Tyra or actually an uggo, and I’m going young Tyra based on, well, the entirety of the text.
This is also the only way the love story makes sense. Why would Tookie be infatuated with Bravo at this point, knowing nothing about him, unless it was a physical attraction, and what personality traits of Tookie’s could Bravo possibly be aware of?
Bravo’s personality is a complete unknown. But he’s attractive. We know that. And I THINK we’re supposed to think he’s a good dude because he has a thing for Tookie as opposed to the hundred or so other attractive girls walking around. See WE READERS know Tookie is a good soul (not in a way where we feel it, but we’re told this fact time and again), but I don’t know how Bravo would know it
Here’s where it gets interesting. Wait, it’s boring first, then interesting.
Bravo comes in to visit while Tookie is under the influence of the Zed Meds, which reduce her pain but force all her words to start with Z’s. So she says she’s Zungry, and says Zuh-huh instead of uh-huh. It’s a 90’s Zima commercial all the way. Zomezing zifferent.
Bravo hand feeds Tookie for some reason. She has a cat scratch on her lip. She didn’t fall off a 4-story fucking balcony. A kitty scratched her face. Gimme a break. Also, she’s about to go under anesthetic for a CAT SCRATCH, so eating is a no-no, but whatever.
Then, Bravo’s about to kiss Tookie, even though she’s currently sporting an actively bleeding lip wound, but Zarpessa jumps in to be a jerk, and we find out Tookie’s never kissed anyone before. Zarpessa’s on the attack, but luckily, Bravo shuts her down:
“Look, I told you to leave her alone. Why can’t your bitchy little brain understand that?”
And now I’m totally turned around. I’m ready to fuck the guy. How long have we been waiting for SOMEBODY to tell Zarpessa to shut the fuck up? Finally, FINALLY someone tells this character, who really has no power beyond any other character, to shut her pie hole. If this were a true story, I would, at the very least, seek out the basis for this Bravo character and offer him a high five with the option to extend into a light handjob.
Zarpessa fucks off, and Tookie and Bravo play with her magic brooch that can contain any number of items without changing size. Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s head explodes, and then Tookie is wheeled off to the OR, which is called the OR-U-OK in Modelland. OR-U-OK? Like “Are-u-okay?” Who knows.
The doctor says, “…I think he likes you…This lip procedure’s not pretty…but you are.”
Tookie’s reaction is, of course, along the lines of “No way. Not ME. Not Queen of the CHUDS. Lord of the Sewers, Tookie de la Creme.” But her reaction isn’t the interesting part.
The interesting part is that this is probably the first confirmation that Tookie is actually good-looking. It’s fucking annoying that it’s over half way through the book, and that it comes from only one person, but so be it, confirmation that Tookie actually is attractive.
It’s clearly an ugly duckling story, right? Oh, this awkward, skinny teen ages into a beautiful woman.
You know what’s fucking stupid about that story, by the way? The moral of that story is supposed to be that we should accept each other regardless of beauty, but the narrative moral is “Don’t worry if you’re not hot, just as long as you get hot eventually.” Wow, thanks. Was that story written by Hans Christian Anderson after his high school reunion? Was Hans a roly-poly teen who returned with abs and a sweet car to rub it in everyone’s face? “Oh, this suit? Let’s just say the emperor’s lack of clothes made old Hans more than enough to buy himself the finest.”
Ooh. You know what? Not likely. I just looked up HAC, and woof.
So what we’ve got in Modelland is an ugly duckling story, but it’s even worse because it’s purely psychological, and also it’s inexplicable why everyone else seems to think Tookie’s a CHUD when she’s not. When did everyone in Modelland, with the exception of Bravo and this doctor, get together and decide to neg on Tookie? How and why was this done?
Okay, let’s focus on the takeaways:
TAKEAWAY: Tookie is, in fact, attractive.
TAKEAWAY: Bravo is also hot.
TAKEAWAY: This is not why they’re in love, although the truth is yet to be explored.
TAKEAWAY: We couldn’t go one serious romantic chapter without some stupid bullshit having a stupid name like the OR-U-OK.