Recently it has come to my attention that the “modern” anniversary gift list was created by Chicago Public Librarians in 1937.
I couldn’t find a whole lot more info. But suffice to say, I don’t know that a group of librarians in the 30’s are the best people to decide how to romance someone. I mean, honestly. As an industry insider, I would not want a quorum of my colleagues to make such a list for me.
And as a librarian in 2015 who is a solid C- at romance, I thought I should revise this list. Consider it a public service. The original suggestions are below, listed first next to each year, and my suggestions follor.
First – Clocks.
Clocks? What the fuck? Look, the first anniversary should definitely be sexual. I don’t mean that it has to be something crazy. I’m not one of these dudes who’s like “Woo, anal!” I don’t like butts that much. Well, I like butts. It’s more buttHOLES I’m not crazy about. What I’m saying is that you’re one year in, and that clock is just going to be a reminder in the future that you should have done sex another time instead.
Second – China
Nobody wants that shit. Ever. China is the hereditary disease of owned objects, passed down through families, pain in the ass. I’d like to start a service where we come over and “accidentally” knock over your China cabinet, and then you can move on. In fact, I will suggest you BREAK your China on the second anniversary. Free yourself.
Third – Crystal/Glass
Crystal meth.
Fourth – Appliances
I think this one is okay, but only if you go balls out. No toasters. No microwaves. I want to see sno-cone machines. Full-sized popcorn carts. A hot dog cart. One of those hot dog toasters that toasts the dogs AND the buns. Get something fucking nuts, like a margarita machine or something, use it for one party, and then throw it in the trash.
Fifth – Silverware
Fuck, why you don’t have silverware five years in is a mystery to me.
Sixth – Wood Objects
Not terribly specific. A table? A doo-dad? One of those hip wooden iPhone cases? A material is just too many options. I think we should switch this to hallucinogens.
Seventh – Desk sets
I like desk sets. So fuck off, this stays.
Eighth – Linen, Lace
Is this a lingerie thing? Let me tell you something. I made a purchase from Victoria’s Secret for Christmas (it was pants. Don’t get excited. I don’t even look that great in them), and I get 3 or 4 fucking emails a fucking day from them. Seriously, they need to make a button on their store that says, “Fuck off, I’m never buying from you again if you send me a single email, fuck off, die.” Because I will never make another purchase from them. Holy shit.
Ninth – Leather Goods
Happy ninth anniversary. Here’s a fuckin’ belt. Wow. What a ride this whole thing has been, eh?
Tenth – Diamond
Am I the only person who doesn’t think diamonds look that great? I think I’m the only one. I never notice when someone has a large ring on or a pendant or whatever. I just don’t get it. They’re fine, but for the price, you could get like, I don’t know, a mini TV that loops your favorite movie and just hang that shit from a necklace. It’s your tenth anniversary. Mini tv. Let’s go.
Eleventh – Fashion jewelry
As opposed to practical jewelry? We just did diamonds. Where do we go from here? I think people should just skip the 11th. Once you hit 11, the next significant one is 15. That’s how life works. Your 22nd birthday isn’t special. It’s not until 25 that it’s special, then 30, then probably no further birthdays are special until 40, at which point they’re special because it’s time to get cracking on that midlife crisis. Those girls aren’t going to catcall themselves from a sports car that doesn’t accurately reflect the wealth present in the rest of your lifestyle!
Twelfth – Pearls, Colored gems
Skip.
Thirteenth – Textiles
Skip.
Fourteenth – Gold jewelry
Skip.
Fifteenth – Watches
Hmm. I like watches. I feel like watches are criminally underrated. Yes, I know the time is displayed on a phone. But isn’t a watch more elegant? And do we need another excuse to take out our phones? The other night I was saying how if I owned a restaurant, I would make Thursdays date night. When you came in, you’d notice that phone and wifi signals were totally blocked. So you could come in, eat a fucking meal, and not look at your phone. Also, movie theaters, get on that shit. People cannot be trusted. You had good faith in us, and we messed it up. Your hand has been forced.
Sixteenth – Silver holloware
Skip. I don’t even know what that is.
Seventeenth – Furniture
Oh, yeah. I’m sure that after 17 years of marriage, what you need is more furniture. If anything, this should be a pledge to toss a piece of furniture apiece. Or if you’re still in love somehow, then you each pick a piece of the other person’s furniture to toss.
Eighteenth – Porcelain
New toilet. I think that’s actually a good idea. You can just BUY a fucking toilet from Home Depot, you know. You don’t have to shit where the previous tenants, probably dead old ghosts know, also took shits.
Nineteenth – Bronze
BronzeR.
Twentieth – Platinum
What’s even made out of platinum? This is dumb. I’m skipping these ones that are just materials. Maybe instead, a really good album that went platinum.
23rd – Silver plate
That’s awfully specific, but okay. Here’s your silver plate. So. Enjoy?
24th – Musical instruments
Oh, god. If there’s anything that we should not be doing, it’s taking up musical instruments when we’re old. That can only end one of two ways. Either we suck and it’s embarrassing, or someone makes a documentary about it, which is also suck and embarrassing in its own way.
26th – Original pictures
Nudes. Tasteless nudes. You’ve gone 26 years. If I’ve been with someone 26 years, I can see them nude without the pictures. Which you might think would rule out the need for pictures, but you’re wrong. There’s ALWAYS a need for nude pictures.
27th – Sculpture
Here’s an ash tray. I made that. You can tell by the wobble. That’s kinda my signature.
32nd – Conveyances (e.g., automobiles)
Uh, I think conveyances OTHER than automobiles is more fun. Here’s your own hot air balloon. How about a dune buggy? We have cars, fucker. What we don’t have is one of those train cars with the rod on it that hobos push up and down, rendering every railroad your own personal thruway/death zone.
42nd – Improved real estate
Is this code for divorce? Because I think that 42 years in, real estate would be improved by me not being on it.
43rd – Travel
If I got married today, I’d be 74 on this anniversary. The only place I’m traveling to is the sofa, where they will hopefully have the technology to beam shows into my brain, which would be more amazing that that dumb city where they have water instead of roads or whatever. Oh, you power your boats with broom handles? What a metropolis of wonder!
44th – Groceries
Turns out I’ve had a 44th anniversary gift a couple times a week for the last several years.
46th – Original poetry tribute
I’m betting by then I’ll have forgotten most of Where the Sidewalk Ends. So go for that.
47th – Books
By then I’m guessing I’ll have forgotten Where the Sidewalk Ends from the previous year. So once again, go for it.
100th – 10-carat Diamond
I mean, I’ll just go ahead right now and promise every diamond in the known universe if I make it to this anniversary. I’d be 132 years old. I can promise you the world, baby? Just hang in there.