“Hey buddy. Have a good afternoon. Please try and invite yourself to someone else’s house for dinner. I suggest holding your tummy and mentioning that you’re hungry a whole lot. That way we can just see you later, or maybe tomorrow(!?)”
“Son, please don’t say anything about your dad breaking down the swingset in the backyard and destroying all the bones in his hands in the process. If you keep it a secret, we still can’t buy you a new one, but just keep it a goddamn secret, okay?”
“Jimmy, I’ll be home very late. I’ll be out searching for your mother or, if I can’t find her, a suitable replacement. This might involve leaving the tri-city area. In the garage you’ll find a freezer full of hot pockets and a loaded pistol. Be safe.”
“I really wanted to write you something nice but…I’m just…daddy’s just really sad right now.”
“Do me a favor and pick up 8 gallons of milk on the walk home from school? Not because it would be funny. I really need those.”
“I just want to take a minute to apologize for lighting the corner of your bed on fire last night. I thought for sure you would wake up before you got burned. Just as an ‘I’m Sorry’ treat I put TWO packets of Gushers in your lunch.”
