In the summer you really get a break from what I like to call Board Game Season. Board Game Season usually runs from about Thanksgiving to whenever you figure out a passable excuse to leave whatever holiday event right after dinner. So, being in the midst of a board game free zone, I’d like to give us all this opportunity to think about whether we really want to break out those board games again this coming fall.
For starters, let’s stop buying fucking Monopoly. Seriously now. Is there someone who still wants this game that does not own it? OH, but they dont own the Disney edition, or the Marvel Comics edition, or the whatever edition. Monopoly gets to feeling so goddamn important that nobody remembers it’s a game. Well, PETE does! This goes for ANYONE reading this: Offer me a handy in exchange for any combination of cash, properties, railroads, and so on that I may have and I will accept 100% of the time. 100%. Also, a tiny thimble is not only worthless as a tool of any sort, but it is also completely incapable of purchasing property, owning anything, self-propelling, and damn near everything else you do in that game.
And Life? Are you kidding me? It is shocking in its accuracy as you move along the board, settling for a career you’re only mildly interested in, accidentally picking up kids, driving a bright blue shitbox car that you would love to fill with family and drive into a volcano if only you believed the car would actually make it. And can they fix the goddamn spinner on that game? Never have the fixed the spinner. Lube, ball-bearings, wheels- these are things that allow for motion. Just turning plastic over cardboard doesn’t count.
Why does a goddamn board game cost more than 3 cases of beer? And which is more fun? You would think that for the price they could construct a box that was meant to hold the shit inside without splitting at all the corners at the same time. The good news is you don’t have to worry about flattening the box when you throw Boggle in the garbage.
How many letters do you get in Scrabble? Seven? Let’s see…F-u-c-k-y-o-u. Wow, that worked out nicely.
Whenever you play a game at someone’s house they always bust it open and say something like, “Oh, we lost the piece so you’ll just have to be the penny.” First off, stop putting a fucking penny in your board game boxes. Believe me, if times are so tough you can’t find a penny around, you should be out doing something to fix your life instead of playing some idiotic game. You are failing at life, and winning a round of Trouble thanks to your talents with a pop-o-matic bubble won’t solve anything. Also, I’m not being the penny. I’m being Let’s get the fuck out of here.
Let’s cool it with the games that make you act wacky. If you ask me to draw something for you to guess it’s going to be tough. Most people don’t get “Honeybees” from a crude drawing of a swastika. If you ask me to act something out, believe me, I’m doing the Chinese eyes until you guess Chinese at which point I call you a racist piece of shit for seeing that instead of “wind tunnel.”
You know what’s a good game? Seeing if you can find the right clip on youporn before you fall asleep half hard because you just can’t even give shit enough to masturbate. And that is usually done alone at home, which really makes it perfect. Happy Holidays.