Welcome Letter:
Thanks for choosing Pete’s Correspondence Locksmithing School! Over the next couple of months, maybe years depending on how much I get locked out of my apartment, you’ll learn everything you need to know to be a top-knotch locksmith.
Lesson 1:
Open the package that came along with this letter. Inside you’ll find one of those little girl diaries where they have a key and stuff. I know what you’re thinking. “Hey, little boys can have these too.” Buddy, you’re a locksmith now. Get that brainwashing out of your head. Part of your job is making people EXTREMELY uncomfortable when you go to unlock their stuff. Anywho, get that diary open, and then read one of the most embarrassing entries.
Lesson 2:
Hello. Sorry that you’re getting this as a text. My car is parked at the address listed below, and I locked my keys inside. It’s a long story, but I had a bucket of movie popcorn and then a burrito shoved in my mouth, and anyway, the first student to get here and unlock my place passes the entire course. So hurry up.
Lesson 3:
Okay, this time it’s my apartment.
Lesson 4:
Put on the enclosed handcuffs and then escape from them. WITHOUT using keys. You can use anything else, but not keys. If you are confronted by police and shot, partial refund. On this lesson. Provided you get the paperwork in to me within 90 days.
Lesson 5:
It’s not all unlocking stuff. Sometimes you have to be a LOCKSMITH, not an UNLOCKsmith. Today, install a lock in your door. And in fact, put it somewhere weird. In the floor, the ceiling. Your assignment is complete when your lock has an additional function, such as an acid spray or setting off a landmine.
Lesson 6:
Last lesson. I’m putting a team together. To rob a bank. Nobody robs banks anymore, which is why this is perfect. Guys, let’s do it! Seriously, this is amazing. And even if we screw up, I’ll write the book and sell it. Everyone likes a heist story. It’s gold. It’s like the underrated A Simple Plan. 90% on Rotten Tomatoes. 90%.