Eric’s phone rings
Eric: Yell-o.
Voice: Hello, Eric.
Eric: Who’s this?
Voice: Don’t worry about who this is. Worry about where this is.
Eric: What? I’m sorry, I’m having a hard time hearing you.
Voice: I said, worry about where I am, not who I am. Bitch.
Eric: Oh, okay. Well…where is this? Where are you?
Voice: I’M IN THE HOUSE!
Eric: My house?
Voice: Yes, Eric. I’m in your living room. Why not join me? It should be a…stabbingly good time. Mwa ha ha ha-
Eric: C’mon. You’re not really in my house.
Voice: Oh no? What if I told you that you had a pumpkin spice candle, Eric? On the coffee table. And that it’s your second one. I saw the first, all used up, in the trash. You really enjoy that sweet scent, eh, Eric?
Eric: Whoa. That’s weird.
Voice: And I see a book here. The Game, Eric. Really? You can’t even finish The Game? This book says it’s about how to cheat at sex? Even that isn’t enough for you?
Eric: Okay. Well, the thing is, I believe you, but I’m not home right now.
Voice: Wait. What?
Eric: Yeah. I’m out for the night, man.
Voice: But. This is your telephone. I heard it ring in your room.
Eric: Dude. My phone rings in like 5 places at the same time. My desktop, my laptop. My iPhone.
Voice: iPhone?
Eric: Are you on a landline right now?
Voice: Yesssss. I did have to unplug a machine, though.
Eric: Ah, shit. Probably one of the routers. Can you plug it back in? My TV shows are gonna get all fucked up if you don’t.
Voice: Oh. No. No, I shant be doing that. Not until you explain to me how this phone is with you and in the room at the same time.
Eric: It’s my mobile. My cell. Cell phone?
Voice: Uh-huh.
Eric: Holy shit. You don’t know what a cell phone is, do you?
Voice: Eric, I’ve been in a haunted insane asylum for 25 years. I learned a few things, but for the most part they didn’t give me access. I mean, heh, I have a little history of torturing people on the phone. As you now know.
Eric: Okay. The important takeaway here, phones are these little rectangles now, and people take them around with them wherever they go.
Voice: Shit.
Eric: Shit is right.
Voice: What other innovations have come about in the last-
Eric: You know what, man? I don’t really have a bunch of time to get into all of that stuff. But it’s a lot. If you didn’t know about phones, it’s a lot.
Voice: I see. I see. So. When do you think you might come home?
Eric: Hoo. Maybe tomorrow? I have this new girlfriend. She’s great, but she’s on the upper west side, and I really hate that trek. I’ll stay tomorrow night too if she brings it up, but I don’t want to push things too fast, you know? For right now, kinda just have to play it by ear.
Voice: Hmm. I could wait, perhaps. Is this The Game pretty good? Worthwhile?
Eric: It’s mostly common sense, you know?
Voice: I understand. Well, I’ll probably just go ahead and knock on some doors, stab people with an ice pick through their peepholes.
Eric: Sounds good, man. Take care.
Voice: You too.