It’s been 100 of years since I did a serious-ish post, but here we go.
I wanna talk babies. Or rather, not babies.
I don’t want to have babies. But this position, it puts me in league with people like annoying atheists, people who have to make bad arguments about these things. “Overpopulation!” “Do you really want to bring a child into this world? I mean, Kony 2012!”
Listen, I don’t buy that shit either. In fact, those sound more like excuses that justify not having kids as opposed to reasons. It’s like that person made the choice already, and now it needs to be retroactively justified.
Buuuuut I think it’s a good idea to put this stuff out there. Because I think that I’d like to speak for myself on the whole thing.
And just as a note, this is NOT directed at or to anyone, and if you have some kids running around your house right now, that’s totally cool. Unless you’re my old upstairs neighbors, in which case, not cool, and jesus christ, I’m pretty sure a baby is supposed to leave a two-bedroom apartment and see the sun like once a week or so.
On to the show!
- It’s a choice. Not a not-choice.
The reason I’m without kids isn’t because I’ve never had the biological opportunity. I’ve had the opportunity. Even the doggystyle opportunity, if you must know. I guess you must know now because you can’t un-know that.
When you put on a condom, you make a choice. When you take a pill, that’s a choice. Let’s just be clear about that. This isn’t a “Well, maybe they’ll come along, maybe they won’t.” This is a conscious choice to not have a child.
2. “You’ll never know what it’s like if you don’t have a child.”
This is true. But it’s not a great reason to do something.
Here’s a brief list of things that I don’t know what they feel like:
Strangling someone, filling my butt with champagne, breast implants, skydiving, doing a backflip, owning a Robotron 2084 machine…
Now, some of these might very well be pleasant. How bad could a breast implant feel, really? Champagne in the ass? I feel like the filling part of the butt would be weird, but the bubbles, the cooling sensation. All the drunkeness of an “ass load” of champagne without any of the liquid weighing me down? That’s a big butthole full of win right there.
But just because I don’t KNOW what something would feel like isn’t a very compelling reason to do it. Not knowing means it very well could be good or bad, and the difference here, an ass filled with champagne, at worst that’s a lousy night of dry heaving(?) If I don’t enjoy having a kid, that’s the rest of my life.
I might love being a dad. But it’s a risk that I’m willing to take right now. For now, I’m happy to risk missing out on a good time in order to do something else.
3. Age is an overrated factor.
First of all, I’m a dude. I recognize that gives me privilege that women don’t have. Namely, pills that turn my penis into an unholy column of disgusting old man flesh. A man’s body procrastinates, making sperm on-demand, whereas a woman’s body is a bit better at planning and makes all the eggs ahead of time. A woman’s body cans and preserves and lives off that stuff for 30 years or what have you, a man’s body orders pizza every night.
But let’s throw that aside.
I’m not opposed to adoption. I mean, I think it’s a pretty messed-up system in a lot of ways, but I don’t feel like it’s an option that’s off the table for me.
What I mean is, I don’t have to have kids now because I might want to have them later. I can make a right now decision for right now, and a later decision for later.
4. I can change my mind.
Yeah, I can decide.
If I have a kid, that’s a lot more involved if I change my mind. What am I gonna do? I don’t even live near a river, and I don’t have a buoyant basket. And that shit can go either way. You might get Noah, you might get The Penguin. A hero or a monocle-wearing criminal.
5. I feel like there’s a lot of fun, adult shit that I want to do.
It’s not all drinking and whoring. It’s SOME drinking and whoring, sure. Most things are. It’s a fact.
I was in my first limousine like two weeks ago. I want to move away from where I live. I want to get into a career that makes me a little happier. I want to make silly stuff for this web site. I want to stay up late and eat so many chips and salsa that my stomach HURTS. BAD!
It kinda feels, to me, like my personal brand of fun doesn’t cross over with having kids. I totally think I could still do the things I like with a kid, but let’s put it this way, rarely when I’m having a good time do I think, “Man, this would be so much better with a kid.”
6. I don’t really feel like I have to prove that I’d be a good parent.
I do think I could handle it. I do. It’s something that I could do.
When I took a motorcycle riding class, do you know what sealed the decision? I started looking around at people on motorcycles. And I thought “If these assholes can do it, then I sure as shit can too.”
And let’s be honest, there are a lot of parents out there who make me feel the same way.
Don’t get me wrong, I respect good and great parents. I don’t think it’s EASY. But I think it’s doable for me. This is a rare instance of me thinking highly of myself, so let’s not waste the moment being insulted.
That said, it’s just not something that I value within myself. Being a good parent isn’t a quality that’s important for me personally to possess. It’s like playing guitar. I’m 31. I am not picking up a guitar, and I can thoroughly enjoy and appreciate when someone else does without feeling this guitar-shaped hole inside me. Just because I don’t care to consider myself a good guitar player doesn’t mean I hate everyone who plays guitar or think it’s a silly pursuit. It’s just not personally valuable to me.
7. I don’t feel like it’s crucial for me to pass on my genetic legacy.
Let me level with everyone. My family is filled with smart, good-hearted people. It’s also pretty full of mental illness, depression, and alcoholism. Kind of a toss up. Plus, it’s not like I’m the last of a dying race or something. There are plenty of white dudes out there, many of them who have eyebrows that grow together, just like me.
I don’t mean to talk shit about myself. But this is the truth. The world will spin just fine if Pete doesn’t make a child.
8. I’m not really where I want to be in life.
Right now, I work, and I exercise, and I come home and type and type and type. That’s not what I want my life to be like forever. But it’s what it takes to get to the place I want to be.
I don’t want to have a kid when I’m in a place like this. When I’m moving towards a new goal and a bit of an uncertain future. When I still have a good $10k in student loans to go.
Nothing’s promised to us for the future. I know that. But I think the discussion would be more serious if I thought I’d be happy in the same house, same job, same-ish life for the next 10 years. Not that I would, but if I thought that was likely or possible, that’d be another story.
9. I hate cargo shorts.
Dads wear cargo shorts. This is a fact. I hate cargo shorts. For the love of god, respect yourself just a little. Either become a cameraman or lose the shorts.
10. Nobody is pushing me.
I understand and value the fact that this is not a normal position. Most people have someone, a parent or loved one, who puts on the pressure. When are you going to have a baby? When are you going to have my baby?
Nobody is pushing me.
And I’ll tell you, for the most part, when someone pushed me on a big life thing, it didn’t get me what I wanted, and ultimately, I don’t think it got them what they really wanted either.
It’s a lucky position to be in. It’s a luxury that not everyone has. And I’ll take it.