Moderator: Thanks to all of you for coming today!
First up, we’ve got Leatherface here to talk that American classic, the chainsaw. Take it away, Mr. Face!
Leatherface: Hi, gang.
Well, as you know, I’m a big fan of the chainsaw. Yes, it certainly has its disadvantages. It’s loud. You have to make sure you’re never too far from a gas can, chain lube, and so on. You have to say the phrase “chain lube.”
But on the other hand, boy does a good chainsaw put the fear of god into a person. What it lacks in practicality, it makes up for in fear.
Moderator: Thanks, Leatherface!
Next up, we’ve got Frederick Krueger to discuss knife glove. Mr. K?
Freddy Krueger: You’re right, you’re right. The chainsaw, it’s a goodie.
But what I need is something a little more elegant. See, I don’t really use the knives to kill people most of the time. I prefer to, you know, have a weird bug turn into a kid’s ear and then a really loud noise explodes his head. But I DO like to have a blade to drag against a wall, or maybe just to threaten with.
The blade glove is the sophisticated choice. The choice of the gentleman child murderer.
Moderator:Great! Now we’ve got-
Leatherface: Now, hold the phone. I’m a little offended. I feel like Freddy was saying that the chainsaw is a better choice.
Freddy: No, no. Please don’t misunderstand me. I merely meant that the knife glove is an alternative if you’re, you know. Of a different class.
Leatherface: Ohhhh. Oh, what the fuck? This is because I’m southern, isn’t it? Not as refined as you with your sweaters and jaunty hats. This is because I wear a smock. Because I’m working class.
Freddy: No, that’s not what I meant.
Leatherface: Yes it is! And you know it.
Chucky: Fellas, if I could weigh in.
Leatherface: Oh, fuck off. You couldn’t even kill one little kid. You stabbed a guy in the chest with a basketball pump. What a bunch of bullshit. I can’t even stab a basketball with a basketball pump without bending the needle.
Chucky: Hey, it’s called improvisation. Not all of us are big enough to carry around a chainsaw. Not all of us live on a goddamn estate with mommy and daddy and can just afford chainsaws whenever we need them.
Moderator: Okay, hold your horses. I’d like to hear from Candyman.
Candyman: Well, I like to have variety. I have the hook. But the main thing is probably the bees. I feel like you get that visceral terror with the bees, with the noise and the crawlies and all that. And then you can really cut a bitch with the hook.
Freddy: But don’t you think the hook could be more elegant?
Candyman: I find the bees to be very elegant creatures. They dance to tell people where pollen is, you know.
Freddy: Actually, I just read an article that says that’s not true. Only European honeybees do that, and there are over 20,000 species of bees out there, most of which don’t-
Candyman: Are you questioning my authority when it comes to bees? Is that really happening right now? With this European Honeybee bullshit?
Freddy: Not at all, I-
Candyman: This is because I’m black, isn’t it? You don’t think a black man can be a beekeeper.
Freddy: Hey, whoa. I might be black.
Candyman: …what do you mean?
Freddy: Like…I’m all burned up. I don’t actually remember if I’m white. I worked a menial job, you know.
Candyman: Jesus christ.
Moderator: That’s all the time we have for today. Tune in to our next debate: Killing in Dreams: Is that legit?
Freddy: Wait, what?