This week’s list consists of brands that you should really stop playing around with. If you are still using or promoting these brands, please cease and desist immediately. This is your 500th warning. Everyone thinks you’re an asshole and you should stop.
1. Tapout
Enough. It’s bad when you’re wearing those shirts that promote a random brand. Fox Racing, for example. What the hell is that? Why is that a more popular sticker than “Honk if you’re horny?” But let’s focus on the real criminals here, the people who wear tapout (which I won’t be wasting the Shift time to capitalize).
The makers of tapout, though really bad at making clothes, are not the real enemy here. The real enemy here is the group of people who elect to wear this clothing. Because WHY? Why would you wear that shit? I know you’re not an ultimate fighter, weird, doughy, possibly-Phillipino kid walking down the sidewalk in front of my house. I also know YOU are not an ultimate fighter, fratboy with sandals and a beard that doesn’t connect to your sideburns. Hint: Sideburns with beard, cool. Sideburns without beard, cool. Expert sculpted beard that is in no way connected to your head, not cool). You may be ultimate at some things. I would guess that you are ultimate at telling people rules of beer pong in ways that rhyme. I bet you also are ultimate at understanding rape law after some incidents last year or so. But you are not ultimate at fighting. How do I know? Because even the slightest vicious attack with a pool cue sends you running to the emergency room.
People get paid good money to wear tapout, and I get that. I would wear a shirt with a picture of an open man’s ass on it if someone paid me to. But a good rule of thumb is to not wear something for free that other people are getting paid to wear (see: clown outfits, giant dollar bill costumes, etc.)
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2. Coach
Coach bags are the ugliest goddamn things I’ve seen since the people who carry them and the dogs that live inside them. These patterns are not meant for human eyes. Brown and tan? Are you in desert warfare? And enough with the gold buckles. The only people who should ever be opening a gold buckle on anything are Jewish grandmothers. These are old lady purses. You know what else holds shit just as well? HANDS! POCKET! A GODDAMN TARGET BAG!!!
We all have ugly shit. My apartment, much like a coach bag, is made up of variations of brown, has bad fixtures, and hold my shit. Yet somehow it would cost me an entire month of a home to buy a much smaller home for just some of my things.
The people who designed these are laughing their asses off somewhere in a North Carolina basement that they claim as “Italy.” They are the only people more shocked than me about the popularity of these things that are so hideous their only real use for disposal of aborted fetuses as the hideous combinations of patterns and colors will keep scavenging animals out of the dumpsters.
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3. Lady Gaga
Do not be fooled. This is a brand, not a music artist. How do I know? Well, I’ve seen this person, I know her face, but I have never heard one of her songs. Say what you will about Backstreet, but at least I know a couple of their songs. This disturbing trend of starlets who are famous for nothing tangible is horrifying. And if Lady Gaga is a musician, then Paris Hilton is an actress and Lindesy Lohan is…well, something.
All you really need to know is that she has the most friends of anyone on Facebook. I will make you this guarantee: The person who has the most friends on Facebook is not the coolest person. If we can look at a little history lesson here, Who was the most popular person on Myspace? Tom. And who was Tom? Nobody gives a shit.
Look, sex sells. I get that. But there’s a reason that Aerosmith doesn’t pose with guns and a thong in order to get the Rolling Stone cover.
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4. Cigarettes (ALL)
Okay, so I think we all know about the new idiotic law that bans using the word “light” with cigarettes. In other words, you can’t buy Marlboro Lights anymore. Now you have to buy Marlboro Gold.
I’m really not a big smoker or anything here, but jesus christ, for hearing so much about how this tobacco lobby was going to lynch Russell Crowe I think they really pussied out here. Who gives a shit what the names are? And if people are so goddamn dumb that they think lights are going to give them light cancer, then screw them. We don’t need them anyway. We really don’t.
These companies have a history of not fighting this stuff. If you watch a movie from the 70’s you’ll see a teacher lighting up in front of the class! That wasn’t that long ago. Now if you light up at a bar where everyone is shitfaced and people are punching each other, all of a sudden you’re insane.
And by the way, if we’re getting rid of that, we also need to get rid of DIET soda, LIGHT beer, and just about anything else with a qualifier.
These cigarette companies count on your business, but they sure as hell aren’t doing a lot to support you. Why doesn’t Marlboro open up smoking bars in major cities? There has to be a way.
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5. Twilight
This isn’t going to be a rant against the enigma of shit that is Twilight.
Okay, maybe a little.
Guys, are we not tired of the hot teen vampire thing yet? Especially when they spend no time banging, killing, shooting, bursting into flames, eating people, or any of that stuff? The idea of people being shitty about boyfriend/girlfriend stuff, but also they are vampires, doesn’t really do a whole lot for me.
That aside, you don’t need to be buying Twilight things. Twilight Vitamin Water? Really? Why? What connection does that have? Unless each bottle has a drop of Mormon blood in it, I’m not buying it.
Candy, posters, dolls. Dolls! There are Twilight dolls. These aren’t even action figures. They are dolls with the same shitty proportions and bizarre plastic hair as Barbies.
Look, I like Lynyrd Skynyrd. I support that shit, but not the brand. You don’t have to buy hats, coasters, patches, hoodies, stickers, and all that shit. Just enjoy the thing, not the stuff around the thing.
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6. Coors
Well, thanks a shitload for giving us a can that reassures us that the beer is cold. That was needed. Before I would just use my knowledge. If it came from a cold place I pretty much assumed it was cold. If my hand was sending information to my brain that the thing I was holding was cold, I went ahead and believed it. There are a hell of a lot of ways to tell if something is cold, and looking at color-changing mountains is probably the worst one.
You know what would have been a better idea? Maybe working on your recipe a little bit. Seriously, maybe we add less pee in every batch or something. Or more pee. I don’t know. But this was your golden opportunity to fins out and you blew it.