Modelland: Chapter 6
When we last left Tookie de la Creme, she was not in Modelland and hated her family and a bunch of other bullshit. Which brings us to Chapter 6.
In Chapter 6 is that we meet the 7Seven.
And already, goddamn it.
How do you pronounce 7Seven? How does a person say this? “seven-seven”? “Suh-seven”? “Guh-fuch-yah-selv”?
This is one of the many reasons I wanted a Modelland audiobook, and also it makes me wonder if it’s part of the reason one does not exist. In any form. People would ask questions like, “Tyra, how would you like someone to pronounce this unpronounceable thing?” Or maybe someone was set to read it and said, “Here’s something I know how to say: fuuuuuuuuck this shit.”
I shouldn’t be so hard on Tyra. We all remember the classic film the Seven7 Samurai. And who could forget Twe12lve Angry Men? And who could forget The Taking of Pelham One1Two2Thr33?
Rather than bashing on Tyra’s naming convention, let’s talk about what the 7Seven are.
Um, X-men? Models who are X-Men?
The basic thing, every year girls get selected to Modelland, and the super-special-est girls become Intoxibellas. Which are synonymous with the 7Seven? I think? There are seven Intoxibellas? Let’s go with that for now. I’m sorry this isn’t something that I researched better, but there are NO other sources that describe this book in detail, and the book itself isn’t exactly helpful. I’m relying on my own notes, and I get so angry that some of the finer details escape me.
So the 7Seven are the bestest models selected last year on The Day of Discovery, and now they all wear these golden belts that unleash their inherent, latent powers. In this world, everyone has powers, but only wearing a magic golden belt from Modelland unleashes them. I think. That seems to be the implication. Guys, I don’t fuckin’ know. Just, go with me here. Let’s just introduce the Intoxibellas and their powers.
Evanjalinda, with the power Chameeleone. There’s supposed to be an accent on that last letter, but I’m not going to dignify this ridiculousness with that many extra pixels. Chameeleone lets Evanjalinda change every aspect of her appearance. Like, you know, the Chameleon. That lizard everyone was obsessed with in 4th grade because it could change colors. This is really cool because she can be tall or less tall. She could have a big butt or a bigger butt. Other stuff too, I’m sure.
Simone, with the power of Multiplicity. She has a screen in her stomach that shows the Michael Keaton movie Multiplicity on constant loop. Okay, fine. She can clone herself, like the Multiple Man. They don’t get into the questions that naturally come along with your multiple men, such as whether their strength is divided amongst the clones, whether they have a hive mind or individual mind, that stuff. She just does it and then undoes it and we all move on.
Bev Jo. We’ll get to her powers in a second, but I just want everyone to appreciate the name Bev Jo. Because what the fuck.
Bev Jo, with the power of ThirtyNever. She’ll age to 29, then revert to looking 17, then she’ll age to 29, then back to 17, and on and on until she dies. Bev Jo kinda lost the cool powers lottery. And also the names lottery. Seriously, Bev Jo sounds like a third lead on Reba’s sitcom. Also, sort of a cool power except when you’re 70 and you like 17 again. That’s going to be rough. Sex-wise, decrepit-ness wise. All the wises, this power makes them horrible.
Leemora. With the power of Excite-to-Buy, which makes people around her want to buy shit. Not anything in particular, it seems. Just stuff they were already thinking about buying. Tookie thinks about a hair product, her mom about wrinkle cream. So I guess if you needed like, I don’t know, a mop head, you’d go “Holy shit, better buy that mop head right now!”
Already, just a few girls in, already I fear there is too much RAW POWER to go unchecked. Hopefully they get a moon base constructed soon. And some sort of oath. Possibly rings they can put in a circle or something.
Moving on, Sinndeesi. With the power of Seduksheeon. Which isn’t explained other than the men who see her being awed, and one of them saying “I’m ready to sin with Sinndeesi right here, right now!” Which I have to assume means he’s telling us that he has an erection. Maybe he means morally ready? Emotionally? But no. Let’s assume boner. It’s kind of a policy of mine to assume boner unless otherwise informed. By that same token, the power of Seduksheeon isn’t explained either, so let’s just assume it’s really big jugs, really big jugs being what I assume in a lady case.
Next we have Katoocha, whose power is to know which fashions will be popular a short time in the future. That’s right, she’s wearing what you’ll be wearing next year.
I put this power in the category of powers that are sort of useful, but fuck man, pretty boring. You could get a good gig at a fashion…place. A place where they do clothes, A DESIGNER! You could work with a designer. See, I know from fashion.
Lastly, Exodus. Teleporter. Which seems to be amazing to the people of this book because I guess they don’t have comics with characters such as Nightcrawler, Supergirl, Misfit, Jenny Quantum, Darkseid, Gog, Blink, Cloak, Doorman, Spiral, Spot, Gatecrasher, U-Go Girl, Lockjaw, Venus Dee Milo, and…wait a second. EXODUS! Created by Scott Lobdell and Joe Quesada, Exodus was a teleporting, 12th century mutant who was eventually freed by Magneto.
So not only is this a boring power, but motherfucker, the NAME has already been used with that power. That’s some lazy shit.
Now, unfortunately, a Triple7 was not produced this year, which is a model who possess ALL 7 of these powers.
Which is extra confusing. I kinda thought these powers were new and unexpected. The reactions of people were not like, “Oh, I guess that’s the teleport chick, so that must be little miss seduction over there.” They were oo-ing and ahh-ing all over the place, boners a-swingin’.
Do the Intoxibellas always have the same powers? Does the Triple7 always have all of those powers, or does she have whichever seven powers the other girls have? Or…I don’t know. I don’t know what the fuck any of this is talking about.
Why superpowers are a part of this book, I do not know. I do not know why this is a needed addition to the narrative here. Or whether this goes anywhere. Because, like I said, we’re still only about HALF WAY to actually entering Modelland. If Tookie ever gets powers, holy fuck, it’s not even gonna happen until the last 10% of the book. At which point, what, 2 of the powers will be totally worthless to readers? She’ll age at the same rate regardless, and we won’t really know how good her fashion future-casting is until the following year. Those two do nothing for the story.
But hey. Just be thankful your name isn’t Bev Jo.