Before we go too far into this, it is important for you to know that this isn’t some crazy bit we’re running here. This is a real guy, a real human “man” who can be seen around town.
If this were a school paper, it would start with the classic phrase, “Since the dawn of time” which is sort of one of my favorites.
Since the dawn of time man has been searching for better ways to get around. We came up withe legs. Then we agreed across the board that those were pretty much bullshit and that if you think I’m WALKING to the other part of the cave, you’re insane. Then someone invented the wheel. This was pretty awesome for rolling down hills and hitting other cavemen with, especially when you consider that breaking someone’s leg back then was the survivability equivalent of stabbing someone deep in the eye today. Not too long after that we invented wagons which facilitated travel on the Oregon Trail, which involved a lot of hunting for game despite the death of people with names like “Shithead” and “Poopneck” dying fording that second river. Then we got cars, and that was pretty awesome. You could go shooting around, run over dogs, and engage in just about any activity that we probably shouldn’t be doing ever.
You will notice that this history does not involve the unicycle. That is because the unicycle is not a real thing. One really good clue to this is the fact that the primary riders of unicycles are clowns. Literal clowns. As in guys who wear makeup and juggle and stab little boys in the urerethra with knitting needles. If a unicycle is a realisitc form of the bicycle, then the rainbow afro is a realistic and sane form of hair.
Now unicycle guy is not only riding a unicycle, but he’s kind of an asshole about it. I see him every couple of days, and about half of those times he’s doing something terribly obnoxious. For example, cutting diagonally across an intersection with the sort of optimism about his speed that will result in his death. Or there was the time he went shooting across the street basically because it is impossible to stop.
I suppose that one could make an arguement that maybe it’s more about fun and challenge than getting around. And I’m sure that’s how unicycle guy feels. But you know what else is a challenge? Seeing how long you can stay in your apartment without seeing another human. Watching all of Breaking Bad non-stop. Eating a whole bag of Bugles and not having diarrhea. The point is, there are a lot of ways to challenge yourself without unicycling.
And finally, the real problem with you is that I know your type. I’ve got your number. You don’t have a personality, so you try to mold one that people will see and ask about. And someday you will put this unicycle away with your recumbent bicycle, hacky sack, devil sticks, yo-yo, rollerblades, roller skates, cruiser bike, volkswagen beetle, hang glider, trail running shoes, pants that zip off into shorts, canoe, and all that other shit.
I’m not a big fan of facebook groups, but I have a much higher tolerance for facebook HATE groups, like this one.