In the continuing saga where I try not to be a Grinch, today I was a Secret Santa.
Or a Reddit Secret Santa, anyway.
Here’s how it works: You sign up. You fill out a brief interest survey about yourself. You get a random person to send a gift to, and you are matched with a random person who will be sending you a gift as well.
I’ve always thought Secret Santa was kind of dumb. I’ve heard of big families doing it, and it seems like that’s just a way to avoid a situation where you have to tell some 2nd aunt “Look, you’re 40. There are like a hundred people here, and I can’t buy a hundred gifts, so I’m not getting you anything this year. We can fistfight about it or just move on.”
It seems like a popular office thing too. Nothing ruins a fun idea like doing it at an office. Seriously. Then you get into all these rules. Nothing over $5 because there’s always some asshole who feels like $20 is too much, in which case, DON’T BE IN THE SECRET SANTA!
I guess this probably sounds ungrateful, but I’m saying it anyway. I don’t want a $3.50 gift. Wait, I know how to make it sound less shitty. I don’t want a $3.50 gift from someone who doesn’t want to give ME a gift.
If someone makes me a gift or sends me a card, specifically because they wanted to, that’s nice and sweet and I appreciate that and cost is irrelevant. But when you have to pick out some bullshit just because you work at a place? Thanks, but I have all the tiny seashell-shaped soaps I need. I have none, which just so happens to be the exact number I need.
Okay, that said, I thought Reddit Secret Santa might be an interesting way to get into the spirit. Hey, maybe I’d even get matched with a celebrity! Yes, in the past, someone had a hand-drawn version of her cat, lovingly rendered by Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or, dream a little dream, maybe I’d get matched with Pee-Wee Herman.
Now, this is tremendous pressure. Thinking, “What if I have to give something to PEE-WEE!? What the hell am I going to do?” I guess for Arnold it would be obvious, a portrait of him drawing a portriat of a cat. Duh.
On December 1st, I looked at my guy. And…he’s a guy. In fact, and I don’t want to just bash on a stranger, but it almost felt like the dude barely had time to fill out the questionairre.
This is one of my pet peeves. It’s like someone who gets on a dating site and adds one-word answers to everything. If you don’t have the time to fill this shit out, how the hell are you going to actually go on a date!?
To put it in perspective, the questions, 16 in all, comprise 101 words. His answers are 119 words, or 7.4 words per answer. Which is an average. In reality, his first answer was decent, a sprawling 24 words in all. Which seemed to exhaust him for several other questions, including favorite food. Seriously.
Perhaps the most frustrating, the question “It’s 11 AM on a Sunday. What are you doing?” was answered:
something with my family whatever will make 8 and 10 year old girls happy
Kay. Hi, my name is Pete. I’m 31, and I don’t even have confidence taking care of a cat. So this would be a GREAT time to be more specific about what 8 and 10 year old girls like, especially YOUR girls.
But whatever. He mentioned shooting and zombies. So here’s what I did:
3 Nerf Guns + 12 inflatable zombies = Sweet Daddy/Daughter/Daughter Shooting Gallery.
And right now I’m being a shit about Secret Santa. I think…it’s not the giving I have a problem with. Blowing cash on a stranger. I think I just feel like the dude didn’t really give a fuck, you know? Or, maybe he didn’t give enough of a fuck to make me feel like this was worthwhile. I don’t know. We’ll see. Perhaps when the gifts arrive he’ll upload some sweet pics.
And I guess we’re still waiting to see the great gift I get. Possibly from Pee-Wee Herman.