I couldn’t find any giant scissors at the stores around here. They don’t carry those. When I asked if they had giant scissors, some dope who worked at the store would always show me over to the regular scissors. Yeah, I can find the regular scissors in a place, numbskull. I need the GIANT scissors. Some of the scissors were pretty big, but come on. We all know the difference between big and giant. It would be downright goddamn embarrassing to open a mall with any of these scissors. I think I’d have to cut twice to get through the ribbon. Can you fucking imagine? That’s some humiliating-ass shit. Maybe this is why most people get asked to open stuff. They come with regular scissors and everyone’s like, What the fuck? How’s that going to read on screen when the news shows up. This’ll never do. I’ll have to look online.
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