I’m here to tell you a secret.
Golf is pretty fucking fun.
Now, before you get all uppity about how your idea and my idea of a good time is different, let me reassure you, I don’t care what you think a good time is. It’s been proven, empirically, that a good time is drinking, driving around a go-kart, and throwing in just a tiny bit of sport to keep things moving.
I’m not a big fan of the sports either, but listen. It’s necessary. If you don’t have the sports, then you just kind of sit there. And not enough shenanigans happen when you just sit there. Not nearly enough for my liking, anyway. Have you ever dumped a bunch of sand in someone’s lap while you’re just in a living room? Because I’ve dumped a bunch of sand in someone’s lap, and it happened because I was drunk at golfs.
But here’s where the problem comes in.
Last time I golfed, we were in a tournament, and somehow, by some miracle, we weren’t the slowest team. Substance abuse changed that fact dramatically, but that didn’t happen for a few hours.
While we waited for another team, I watched a guy kneel down, look where his ball was, and then select a club.
Now, I’m so out of it in terms of golf, I didn’t know what this guy was doing. I kind of assumed he was dicking around because I was dicking around. But no, he cared about where the dumb ball went after he hit it with his stupid club, so he had to get lower than a dropped ass in da club and see where his ball might travel.
I’m enough of an adult to admit something here. While I have a great time being annihilated, hitting golf balls while smoking through a Spider-Man mask, I can sort of see how that would be annoying to someone who actually gives a shit. When you make a mockery of something someone else enjoys, they tend to get pissed off. I don’t encounter this a lot personally because
A) There’s not a whole lot I take seriously, and
B) I tend to gravitate towards the silliness of most situations, I think.
I have a solution for everyone, however.
Where the fuck is the casual golf course? The one where they acknowledge that the players suck, they’ll probably be drunk, and we don’t get uppity about shit.
I’m willing to let some stuff slide too. Don’t think this is a one-way compromise. For example, I could see this having some…less-than-desirable effects on golf carts. But you know what? I don’t need perfect grass that’s watered and cut twice a goddamn day. Lay down some turf, have a crop duster paint that shit every spring, and let’s play.
But hey, this is the problem I ALWAYS have with sports. You can’t play co-ed rec volleyball (very, very badly) without someone getting pissed off that your team lost every game. Is there a drunken softball team out there that doesn’t have ONE member who is just a little too hardcore? Ready to rush the mound in a heated game against the league favorites, a team led by the owner of a sub shop?
I think I’ve really managed to adopt the “Just have fun out there” ethos. But the world, the world isn’t up to my level of sophistication. Which is why I end up vomiting on a country club patio instead of somewhere more appropriate.