As you know, Sunday is now the day where I take a seat and just type about something that’s horrible, ruining my life, and needs to stop. It’s not clever, it’s not good writing, and it’s just venom. Welcome to Sunday Rant Day.
Let’s talk a little bit today about what a cool car is and what a cool car isn’t.
A lot of you have some ideas about things you can do to your cars or on the road that will make you awesome. Women will see your car and want to utterly destroy you with their vaginas. Men will want to destroy you with their penises. Maybe a little of one and a little of the other will combine powers and really give you a Symphony of Destruction to remember. That’s up to whatever fantasies you have while driving your dumb car.
I have a minor list of things that people do to their cars that are, definitively, not cool.
Here we go.
-Gas Cans On The Outside Of Your Car
You’re not on safari. You look like that asshole who’s out for a 20-minute jog and has a whole belt of waters around his waist. You seen this guy? That’s you, sweating, consuming shit you don’t need, probably wearing a visor. A VISOR.
-Lift Kits
Ah, truck people are big fans of the damn lift kit. Let me explain something that even I know as someone who knows dick about cars. The purpose of lifting your car is to give it better ground clearance. In theory, that’d let you drive over rough terrain, rocks, water, and you can really back over a Big Wheel with some serious to-do if your kid is misbehaving again. The problem with lift kits, most people lift the car body higher, but the axles, the differential, all that shit is just as low as ever. IN FACT, lots of lift kits even COME WITH a differential drop kit to help keep your frame in a shape similar to the factory shape, increasing the durability of your ride. So all you’re doing is putting the seats higher. That’s it. You know that lever on a office chair that puts it higher? Same deal. That’s all you’re doing, and we’re not fooled. We know you’re not some badass offroad mofo. You’re just the asshole who sits in a meeting and has to make sure his dumb office chair is about 4 inches higher than anyone else’s.
-Low Riders
Yeah, I have a height thing with cars. Low riders are dumb as shit. They have no real purpose. I guess some people like monkeying with shit, and that’s cool. But seriously, I’m sorry, but do you think you, some dum-dum, knows better than a bunch of German engineers the optimum height for your vehicle? And are you lowering other shit you own? Did you take the feet off your refrigerator so it was lower to the ground? Did you uninstall the door knob on your front door, buy a new door, and use a hole saw to cut a spot for the knob about 8 inches lower than it was before? No. You know why? Because those things function best at a certain height. And let me tell you something. Every person on the planet laughs when they see a lowrider go over a speed hump. Never not funny.
-Self-Opening Van Doors
Okay, this is futuristic and pointless, which normally means I’d like it. The problem is, no matter how cool you make the doors of a van, you’re using those doors to gain access to a van.
-Sound Systems
Two things here. One, bass is supposed to sound like a deep, throbbing pulse. Bass is not supposed to sound like rattling plastic bullshit. If you’re going to put a system in your car, you better tighten that shit up, because all you’re doing is exposing the world to how much rattling a car can do. Two, if you have a nice car, a luxury car, something worth showing off, I won’t be able to hear a goddamn thing happening in there. A nice ride, you can barely hear outside inside or inside outside. So when I hear some Pitbullshit coming down the block, I know your car is shit.
-Dealer Badges
You bought the car. You own it. Why are you advertising for some asshole who sold you the car? Has anyone ever bought a new car and said, “Fine, I’ll pay that price, but only under the condition that you remove the dealer badges. None of that shit.” I just don’t understand how they get away with it. Target doesn’t put, well, a target on a vacuum cleaner they sell you. And that’s a vacuum cleaner! Not a $50,000 car. It’s fair to demand that a $50,000 ride get the same respect that Target gives a motherfucking toilet brush.