There’s been a ton of discussion about#yesallwoman and #notallmen and what it means to shoot people after you write a manifesto.
By the way, nobody has answered my question about what makes something a manifesto or not. Is it just non-fiction written by someone who does something insane? That seems to be the distinction, but I’m just not sure.
Anyway, like a good internet boy, I just wanted to contribute what I could to completely derail the discussion.
And so, we have The Elevator of Misogyny.
Here’s how it works:
When I come home from the gymnasium on Friday night, I’m usually in disgusting sweats, probably smell terrible, and I’m…not grumpy, but not exactly chatty. Basically, imagine Rocky Balboa experiencing heartburn and not as strong or as cool and just generally shittier.
I get home and I get in the elevator to go up to my apartment.
In the elevator is a single woman. I do not know this woman, she does not know me. We both just have to assume the other lives in the building.
When those elevator doors close, let’s assume that we’ve got a two-minute ride. I live in shitty buildings. The elevators are not to be trusted, and they aren’t exactly super speedy. So two minutes.
We’ve got two minutes alone in the elevator.
The woman standing next to me in the elevator has to make a decision.
She has pepper spray in her purse, and she decides to put her hand on that pepper spray. Just in case. I’m not going to speculate on what about me prompts the Just In Case. You can figure that out for yourself.
Obviously she’s not going to just spray me first, ask questions later. Which is such a weird phrase. What would the questions be other than , “Um should I have done that?”
I don’t think she’s wrong to put her hand on her pepper spray. She doesn’t know me. It’s every person’s right to be cautious.
What I want to say is that it does hurt my feelings when my being a man puts people on guard.
Now, please please please understand that I’m not suggesting it’s wrong to go ahead and ready that pepper spray simply because doing so might hurt my delicate feelings. I get it. In The Elevator of Misogyny, we’re talking about my feelings versus this lady’s personal safety, and obviously personal safety wins out in that battle.
What I am suggesting is that we, you and me, are trapped in The Elevator of Misogyny together because a bunch of asshole stupid people have kind of ruined everything. And what I’m telling you is that, as a sensitive man, I’m not immune to feeling badly about how people perceive me. Whether that be the woman in the elevator or men and women together online.
My favorite writer and person, Tom Spanbauer, recently did a radio interview where he said he’s tired of the uncomplicated way men are portrayed. That men are seen as all being the same. Wake up, go to work, come home, watch the game, drink beer, go to bed.
Maybe there are, like, 10 sensitive, kind, caring men who are far more complicated than an easy chair in front of the TV. Maybe it’s a very small number.
But I kind of doubt it.
So before you tweet or facebook something about #yesallwomen or #notallmen, think about it a little. Tweeting or writing something ignorant, it’s the equivalent of spraying first and not even asking the questions later. Not even wondering if maybe it’s wrong to pepper spray every man in an elevator.
I’m not defending misogyny or violent action. Before you dismiss what I say by thinking my just another male apologist, read it over. Think it through. I didn’t say I was mad. I said I’m hurt. I didn’t say that if you spray me in the elevator that I’m going to do something back. I said that I’m hurt.
And yes, we like to dismiss people who have a problem with something like #yesallwomen/#notallmen by saying those people are ignorant, uncaring, and have some sort of agenda. What I’m saying is that I have an opinion that doesn’t fit into these hashtags, and I’m saying that those hashtags have been co-opted by a lot of people who I wouldn’t associate with. I think my opinion here is pretty middle-of-the-road, so lump me in with the misogynist wackos if you must, if you feel that me having an opinion that’s not total agreement means I’m categorically wrong.
And hey, if you say all of one very large group of people, especially if that group is united only in biological factors outside their control, are a certain way, expect some pushback on that. Use broad categories at your own risk.
Finally, most importantly, I do like beer, I don’t like sports, and I have a lot more feelings than you’d find in a put-upon, 1980’s sitcom dad.