Yesterday I was lucky enough to go into a pet store. Not the kind that sells pets. The kind that sells all kinds of stuff FOR pets.
Can I ask, what the fuck is going on with dog toys? Why do they look like this, a friendly little pig with a cute curly belly button? He’s holding a little flower in his hooves. And I’m buying this for my dog to rip to shreds.
Could this fucker look any nicer? Seriously. Couldn’t he at least look sort of neutral. Or have his eyes closed in the acceptance of death’s sweet release as he is chewed by a dog?
How about this fella? He does look more appropriately miserable. Which he should because he’s a log of shit. An ashen one, which makes me question what this person was eating. If your shit looks like this, just in color, forget about the eyes and mouth, definitely call a morgue to make arrangements.
Why are we buying a log of shit for the dog to chew on? Is this exclusively for couples where one person bought the dog and the other resents the decision? Alright, I’ll show him. We’ll see how precious his goddamn dog is when it’s chewing on SHIT all day!
Then we’ve got a cat sleeping bag. Don’t get me wrong, I like watching a cat get in stuff as much as the next guy. Maybe even more. But you know what else cats will get in? That doesn’t cost $35? Any enclosed space that has a single opening. I’ve seen this. I’ve seen this happen many times. And why are we reveling, again, in the unfortunate sight of the cat being consumed by a giant fish? How has this somehow become cute? If this really happened, if you were walking your cat on a dock and a fish flew out of the water and consumed your cat tail first, this would go down as the absolute worst day of all your life. You would see it every time you closed your eyes.
Is there a reason that we had to misspell “champagne”? Are we afraid that the dogs now know too much?
So…this is a snake then? Or a frog? Am I the only one horrified by these cryptozoological monstrosities?
This poor fucker, the lion with tentacles, is asking with his eyes for death. At least this one might teach your dog to weigh the considerations of a mercy kill.