A dark shame of mine is that I never passed the high school writing assessment.
Actually, I want to strike that from the record. This is one of my prouder accomplishments. I caution all against being proud of not doing things too often. Once in a while is okay though.
In the last year of high school, I asked what the consequences of not passing the assessment were. The answer was that my diploma would not contain an endorsement for passing. I then asked if I didn’t pass, would my diploma have a blank space indicating the absence of this endorsement. The answer was No.
I think I turned something in sort of. A handwritten page about god knows, with the word broccoli misspelled and crossed out several times, then spelled correctly, then crossed out and spelled with a K.
However, I want to prove to the world that I can do it. So here are some quick responses to some 6th grade writing assessment prompts.
It occurs to me that the most important thing about skateboarding and rollerblading was the clothing you got to wear that made sure everyone knew you were skateboarding and rollerblading. As long as the clothes are still allowed, I’m fine with it. Although I don’t like how so many people ruin a nice concrete wall by bolting hideous slabs of metal on top. My proposal here is to change the law. If the owner of the property is the best skateboarder in the area, or if he hires a best skateboarder to represent him, then no others should be allowed to skate there.
You have chosen an excellent book for sixth graders.
Persuade your classmates to read this book.
Hey idiots, I don’t know if you went to some fancy school where you could choose things, but here’s the book we’re reading and just read it. There will be a test. It will focus on minute details that really have very little meaning and ignore the larger themes, ideas, and emotions conveyed by the text. This is how your life will be for the next 10 years, so enjoy.
You are shipwrecked on an island for a month with only your backpack. Tell how you survive with the items in your backpack.
Fortunately, my backpack is jammed with shit. There’s an abundance of paper, which I occasionally eat because our lunch is so late. An all-paper diet is a new thing for me, but tolerable. I have my clarinet, so I can keep myself company with the dulcet tones it produces. Specifically, the first few dulcet bars of the Top Gun theme, which is pretty much the only thing I know how to play. The clarinet also came with this chapstick thing to condition the cork at its joints. I’m pretty sure this is just chapstick. It’s in a chapstick tube and smells like mint. I will use this chapstick to keep my lips supple so I look good in rescue photos, and possibly I will use it as a supplement to my all-paper diet.
You have an opportunity to relive a time from last year. This time could be a happy event, or it could be an event that you would like to change.Write why you want to relive this event.
I’ll choose the last day of summer before 6th grade started. I was considering killing myself. It was a dark time, but I pulled through. I’d like it to be different in that 6th grade is much worse than I thought, and armed with that knowledge I’m now confident that I’ll be able to end my own life.
