Front Crawl:
There are two keys to mastering this basic stroke. One, you should be looking straight down at the bottom of the pool to your doom. Two, when you come up for a breath, take that breath directly from your armpit.
Backstroke:
This is the one thing that old fat men can still do sort of. The hardest thing to master with this stroke is to do it with a cigar in your mouth.
Butterfly:
The most important thing to remember about this stroke is that it’s not real. It’s just something swimmers made up to sound cool. You ever see anyone doing this in a wave pool? Didn’t think so.
Side Stroke:
This is sort of how mermaids swim. Just visualize a mermaid. If you can do so without getting hard. If you’re going to get hard, then just forget it. It’s not that important.
Breast Stroke:
This one we also made up for laughs. And it’s paying off. Big time. Everyone said people would never go for it, but we showed them. We got people saying “breast” all over town.