How do they decide who is best at going down the snow tube and doing spins?
Why can’t they do skis versus snowboards and settle the debate forever?
How come it can’t be boys versus girls?
Is there a thing where they just stand outside naked for the longest?
Best balls? Why isn’t that an Olympic?
When did everyone decide that it wouldn’t be fun to downhill ice skate?
Are the costumes part of the score on figure skating?
What the fuck are they doing mascots at the Olympics for?
Can they do a drugs Olympics where it’s cool to do steroids and shit and then we see what happens?
People make fun of curling, but don’t you think the worst part would be if you were the sweeper guy because your wife would always want you to do sweeping at home because you’re so good at it, but it’s like, “Hey, I sweep eight hours a day”?
Bowling balls down the ski jump?
Am I the only one who would kill to see one guy competing in jeans?
What possesses a person to think, “I’m fast at cross-country skiing. I mean, I’m slow because everyone is slow, but I’m the fastest at the slow thing. I better have a contest about who is fastest at being slow”?
Are Olympics the classier Nascar and everyone is really just hoping to see a catastrophe?
No fucking snowman contest?!!??!!?!?!?!??
Do you think that they have the most delicious of hot cocoa at the Olympic place? That was honestly the part of the Polar Express that was most exciting to me as a kid.