Central Vacuums: You’ll always know someone who had one, but you will never own one yourself. If you do happen to own one, it will become a life-consuming nightmare. Basically a place where rats can go to die and have their corpses heated by a motor now and then. I really think the next American Horror Story should be based around a central vacuum system.
Mr. Clean Magic Erasers: At 5:15 PM I say, “These work great for cleaning off walls. I had no idea things were so dirty. At 1:48 AM I say, “Fuck me. There are now clean spots and filthy spots. I’m pretty sure these things are just moving filth around, and it’s going to take a Magic Eraser the size and weight of a human man to finish this job.”
Screwing in the goddamn light switch plate in crooked: Contractors, I don’t expect much. But this leaves me with the terrible options of going fucking nuts every time I click on the lights or hanging a bunch of pictures crooked around it, the ones nearest the switch plate being the crookedest and slowly becoming less crooked as they move outwards until they are straight, thereby lessening the effect. Long way of saying I got a fucking problem here.
Produce Sprayers at the Store: The purpose of these is commonly mistaken to be keeping fruits and vegetables fresh. In fact, it’s to make your arm soaked. And also your other groceries. I mean, some people look better when they’ve been out in the rain, but we don’t just run around spraying them with hoses. Let’s take it easy. Oh, and those fake thunder noises scare the bejeezus out of me every time. Not helpful. Maybe you could replace it with some kind of Soviet air raid siren.
Nerds Ropes: These just can’t be doing anything good for anyone. How they managed to make a candy by combining two dried types of goo is madness incarnate. If you could look into the Joker’s brain, it would look like a bunch of Nerds Ropes.