1. Get rid of all the F keys. Those things are dumb. We get it, you can make crazy little rows of keys just for fun.
2. Make the letters for swears bigger. U. C. K. Oh, and F. Those get typed a lot, and they get typed a lot when I’m really mad. Sometimes it’s hard to see the right keys through the veil of red.
3. No more tilde ~ . We have the dash – . We don’t cotton to your fancy, wobbly dash that clearly displays a homosexual agenda with its wildness and tantalizing curves.
4. Can we just turn the colon and semicolon into marks that are so close we can’t tell the difference? That way it’s like, fuck it, just use the smolon.
5. Ctrl+Alt+Del, can just be one button. It doesn’t need to be a thing like I’m launching a nuclear missle and me and another guy have to turn our keys at the same time and then open some crazy plastic thing with a piece of paper inside. It could be a reagular style button.
6. One slash is clearly pulling the weight of both slashes. We could go ahead and get rid of one.
7. The little arrow thing about the 6 needs to be something different. Here’s why: “You !@#$%, you !@#$%^” See, that arrow thing just doesn’t work like the symbols from above 12345. It’s no good.
8. | – I don’t even know what that is. Line? Bar? Pong paddle? I’ve written a lot of complaints about a lot of stupid shit, and not once have I used that thing.
9. Did we give up after we made Backspace, or was there never a plan for Forwardspace at all?
10. Address the crumbs situation. Sorry, but I’m not going to be working without eating my Milanos any time soon. Ball’s in your court.