There are those times when you show up to the bar. Or party, or gathering of friends, or possibly my bathtub which is filled with the supermarket generic lavender bubble bath and urine. Those times when you show up and you’re just not sure how many drinks I may have already put down. It’s a tough position. I understand.
In order to help, below is an assembled list of phrases you are likely to hear depending on how many drinks in I am. Print this out in wallet size, tuck it away, and next time you can pull out your wallet and unfold the card to help make a decision about having a few quick drinks, not even making the effort, and calling the hospital.
Phrases Heard After 1-2 Drinks:
“So, how are you?”
“How are your parents?”
“When do you have to go in to work tomorrow?
Phrases Heard After 3-5 Drinks:
“Alright. Here is a drink I bought you. Now you HAVE to drink it.”
“How are your parents? Romantically?”
“Do you think the spark is still there, or has it been gone? What’s the situation there?”
Phrases Heard After 6-8 Drinks:
“Let’s get your parents on the phone and ask if they would have done a threePete.”
“I think we should probably all go in on a mansion together. With a laundry chute to throw up in.”
“I am very sweaty.”
Phrases Heard After 8+ Drinks:
“Listen, I love you so much, but they’re going to throw me out from dancing too good in about ten minutes, so I need to get in as much dancing as I can.”